So I was at another wedding on Saturday, which was wonderful. But I'm not going to bore you with stories about dancing queens. No, instead I shall tell you about my journey there and back. After all, was it not Sterne who once said: "To travel is better than to arrive?" Or was that someone else? No matter, he was talking balls.
THE JOURNEY THERE
Waiting for the taxi to arrive chez moi, I thought it expedient to ask the operator what colour car would be picking me up. "A white peugeot". It was a blue skoda.
Then the guy got lost. A 20-min drive took nearly an hour. He should have driven me to south croydon. He took me to West Wycombe. Then he almost lost the entrance to the Hotel and Golf Club and nearly crashed into the wall...
The Journey back
I know - once bitten, twice should be shy. But it was nearly 1pm, I was sharing with a couple of friends, and the taxi firm is cheap. I also naively assumed that, having already driven there, the driver would be able to find his way back relatively easily. But the first conversation with the taxi firm operator went thusly:
"Please may I have a taxi to Streatham"
"Where is that?"
"You ARE streatham vale taxis?"
"Yes"
"Well, Streatham is where you are"
"Oh yes okay ma'am thank you very much okay where you want go to?"
"Streatham"
"WHere picking you up from tonight"
"The Selsdon Park Hotel"
"Where is that?"
"In Selsdon"
"What is the name of the place in Selsdon"
"The... Selsdon... Park... Hotel"
"I will send him...he has a silver peugeot. What is your name?
I lied: "SAM"
"How do you spell that madam pliss"
"S - A - M"
Of course by now I should have been worrying. But I did not start really worrying until 45 minutes later when my phone rang and a croaky foreign voice creaked out: "Hello lady? I am ringing to say that I am not the same driver, I am the different driver"
"Right... so do you know where you are going?"
"I will be there in 15 minutes. Where is it?"
"Selsdon Park Hotel. It has an exclusive driveway"
"I will drive into the Park"
"Um... not the park, don't drive it into the park, it's going to end up in the playground... it's called the Selsdon Park Hotel and Golf Club."
"You at the golf club or at the park?"
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Breathe...1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10...
"No dear, let's take this from the top. Drive down the A23 to Croydon and on the flyover, take the A2022. Continue down towards Sanderstead, and then you will find a BIG BIG BIG Sainsbury's on the roundabout. The entrance to the SELSDON PARK HOTEL AND GOLF CLUB is right next door, the very very very first entrance on the LEFT. DRIVE UP THE DRIVEWAY. IT HAS YELLOW POSTS AND TYRE MARKS IN THE FLOWERBED FROM YOUR LAST DRIVER"
"yiss yiss I have I know - I three minutes, maybe three, maybe 10 minutes away"...
By now it was half one and I wanted to cry. Miraculously... it was a silver peugeot -and he knew the way back home. However, he did not seem to believe me that I lived on a one-way street. I ended up having to walk up my road simply to stop him reversing several times into the Police Station in the road adjacent to mine. What a croc!
IN OTHER NEWS
I saw a shooting star! It was travelling extremely fast, and almost completely horizontally across the horizon! How cool is that? And no, it was not a firework. And yes, I did make a wish.
It's not much of entrance arriving in a taxi. Next time you should turn up in a horse-drawn coach, wearing glass slippers, a slinky off-the-shoulder dress and a tiara. The bridegroom will then run off with you, like Dustin Hoffman in 'The Graduate'. Forget about a wedding, Mermaid, eloping is more your style.
ReplyDeleteI once drove a mini-cab and its really dull! He was probably winding you up for fun... hes probably a recent Eng Lit graduate from Cambridge. I did that sort of thing all the time..
ReplyDeleteHalo pritty mermaid. thank yoo, yes i has got over mr josh putting his finger up my bottee. doo mermades hav botties that veritenirrerrys sirjohns can put there finger up two????
ReplyDeleteyore jer-knee in the taxi duz not sound ver good, speshally as yoo probbly have to take a tank of worter with yoo wear ever yoo go.
yore fiend, biggles the toppest cat of orl.
Halo pritty mermaid. thank yoo, yes i has got over mr josh putting his finger up my bottee. doo mermades hav botties that veritenirrerrys sirjohns can put there finger up two????
ReplyDeleteyore jer-knee in the taxi duz not sound ver good, speshally as yoo probbly have to take a tank of worter with yoo wear ever yoo go.
yore fiend, biggles the toppest cat of orl.
Hey GB! Ha ha ha - The bridegroom and the bride were BOTH my friends - all due respect to them, but the bridegroom is the one who encouraged me to admire the Hoff. Running off with him would not be apropos, I believe!
ReplyDeleteI mean appropriate
ReplyDeleteMutley - I am sure you would have been a fun taxi driver. This one was just nutty, spoke no english and was trying to read a small a-z.
ReplyDeleteBiggles - thanks - I've not had a Dr Josh doing vetinarian type things on me, thankfully.
ReplyDeleteI don't have to take a tank everywhere - I will gain legs until 12 at night, whereupon I need to get into some water otherwise the tail will return and dry out.
mermins you go to a lot of weddings are you feeling left out perhaps? I suggest next time you get an invite, refuse to go unless your friend sets you up with a handsome man of your own.
ReplyDeleteHere (in Abu Dhabi) most streets are known by their nicknames -e.g. I live in an apartment block on Zayed the 1st street, which is nicknamed Electra street (for whatever reason!). If you don't know the nickname of your street, it can get very complicated. Same goes for take-out food: please can you deliver to NBD building, Electra St..........is normally answered with 'Is that Shobra?' (a shoe shop on the ground floor! I share your misery!
ReplyDeleteMutley you never drove a cab!
ReplyDeleteYou just did the nodding on the parcel shelf.
Mermaid s*** happens to you doenst it? (+:
ReplyDeleteMost unfair.
I was prevented from attending a friends wedding by a bomb scare, was suposed to be best man
( naturally)
Anyway, she left him for a german so maybe it was an omen.
Hello MarriageOfMinds... I think I will just take one of my gorgeous gay friends as my plus one - all the attention and none of the commitment!
ReplyDeleteJin - nice to meet you. I've not been to Abu Dhabi - what sort of takeaways do you get there?
Hello Hitch - yes, I'm not a lucky person. I used to be. I'm very hopeful and I always dish out oodles of the good stuff to other people so hopefully one day it will come back my way!!!
MM- you are a very lucky person. You have me for one of your parents.
ReplyDeleteIf that doen't convince you. You only have to look at Monty and know how lucky your are as well.
I think I've cracked this one. I just stay indoors and don't bother with a social life. Saves an awful lot of hassle.BTW, did you see the picture of the Hoff in the Mail today? Commiserations.
ReplyDeleteLMAO. Did the shooting star overtake the taxi?
ReplyDeletePeek-aboo!
ReplyDeleteTheres a big new comet thing in the sky with a name like - and this is not right - P/Johnson. I thinks its really bright...
ReplyDeleteMutley, it's called Dr Johnson, and there is a smaller comet just behind it called Boswell.
ReplyDeleteMs Mermaid, my sympathies for the taxi nightmare. Just wait till their jobs get stolen by all those Romanians.
Your theory about karma is all very well, but I have found that selfishness is more immediately rewarding.
Thanks for the compliment. I'll nip out now into the dark and see what I can find. Be seeing you.
ReplyDeleteDid you happen to meet any fine, snaggletoothed English gents?
ReplyDeleteOoooh the Selsdon Park , very nice :-) .I wonder if I am still banned from there , I was in 1983 so they hopefully have forgotten by now
ReplyDeleteWorld Champ Stephen Neal said...
ReplyDeleteDid you happen to meet any fine, snaggletoothed English gents?
Mr Neal
As you appear to be a carefuly shaven Chimpanzee , maybe it would be a good idea if you were to leave out the racial stereotyping?
I always dish out oodles of the good stuff to other people so hopefully one day it will come back my way!!!
ReplyDeleteMermaid
A coured gntleman stuck a card through my door this morning advertising the services of a certain
PROFESSOR TANDJAN AHMED
he descibes himslef as an International spiritual healer
he also claims to be able to break black magic cuses , help you find a loved one or succeed in business.
His telephone numbera are
0208 830 2700
or
07939 968957
Futhermore he states
"pay after satisfaction"
Sounds like a good deal
Old Tarf
ReplyDeleteThanks tarf, I know, you are very kind :)
John G, anything could have overtaken that taxi!
WispyCricket - hullo! Pictures of The Hoff? Lemme at them - I am sure they are still worth seeing. Nothing can shake my confidence in the Hoffmeister general.
Mutley and Dennis - impressed by your knowledge of celestial bodies. Are you both perhaps as au fait with earthly bodies? Just wanted to know...
Dennis - Selfishness will turn round to bite me on the tail, I am sure of it. No, I'd rather keep dishing out the good stuff in expectation of a great return!
Johnny Huxley - I'll nip out now into the dark and see what I can find. Be seeing you.
ReplyDeleteBe careful, you might find me armed with a Stabilo Boss and a paperweight...
Great stuff from the hitch 0927. Belly laugh here.
ReplyDeleteI employed the good professor to help with my appearance. He works wonders. I can't recommend him too highly.
ReplyDeleteMermaid, the earthly integument is vile and fleeting. I envy you your faith. You are right to turn your eyes heavenwards, especially when there are no seagulls around.
Idle- could not agree more, Hitch back on form. Good stuff Hitchorama!
ReplyDeleteHitch-top stuff fella.
Dennis, I think the professor has a wonderful thing going on there. Long may his scalpel continue!
I was once pooed on by a seagull.
Dennis
ReplyDeleteYou must move to London.
There are many women such as Mermaid who would be delighted to meet you, they get to a certain age and then will grab anything in trousers that can open a tin of cat food or fix a wobbly bog seat.
*runs for cover*
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeletePS
ReplyDeleteThe Hitch was once shat upon by a crow , right on my forehead.
Then it had the cheek to just sit there looking at me laughing crow laughs knowing that I was unarmed(apart from the knife)and unable to touch the **** in west London.
Oh , and I was once bitten by a rat.
maybe now you people will understand why I became THE HITCH
hitch...those "older women" comments are going to come back to bite you in the worst way...seems older men tend to forget how vitalized younger women can be...but the younger women don't always forget...until after...
ReplyDeleteMM - continue wishing on the stars but don't put any money on the wishes or you will end up with someone like stephen at your door :)
Brussels taxi drivers are required by law now to ask the client if they have a preferred route. My answer is always "Yes, the longest and most expensive one please". I am rarely disappointed.
ReplyDeleteI'm only 30!!!!!! And I got ID for an 18 film the other week. HA!
ReplyDeleteHitch, my cat as you know, does not eat tinned food, but cooked chicken in gravy. That is why he is a wimp of enormous wimpoid proportions.
Great story about the crow - they are deliberately rude creatures!
Daisy - how lovely to see you on my blog. Welcome... if I ever do see certain people on my doorstep, I'll let them in to do my DIY, but the cheques will bounce.
Hello Daphne! Surely it only takes 20 minutes to go from one end of Brussels to another? How can they take so long - do they go via Germany?
Daisy
ReplyDeletethe Hitch is fully vitalised
plus if i should falter my lovely assistatnt can just write me a prescription.
My grandfather was , like your late father, able to perform into his 80's
As they both kindly informed us.