Monday, November 26, 2012

Exhaustion

I am exhausted. It is barely 10pm and I am already exhausted, despite having done very little save a little washing up and boiling my Christmas puddings (which involves pouring water into the pans at intervals). Hardly taxing.
I don't know when or how this gnawing fatigue came creeping over me, overcoming my every move and thought. The tiredness gets me, makes me forget that I am hungry, causes me to lose things, wheedles tears from me for little or no reason and jump-starts me into fits of stressful anxiety over yet another thing that I have remembered to add to my ever-growing to-do list.
I should jettison the to-do list. I know that. But without it I would forget what I am supposed to be doing, or what I should be doing.
It has been a while since I published to this blog. I doubt people still read it, as there is very little of use or entertainment on it nowadays. Maybe one day. When I have time.
When I have time!
The doctor has diagnosed me with RDD - reactive depression disorder. Caused by stress. Caused by doing too much, by volunteering, by taking extra on myself 'because I can take it'. Because nobody else will. Because I feel guilty saying 'No'. No to friends, no to my mum, no to everyone. It cannot be said. I have been brought up to believe saying 'no' is selfish. It is putting my own needs before others' and that is wrong.
And now as a result of this residual guilt I have broken down, fallen apart, faltered at the first new hurdle, collapsed and feel the weight of everyone's expectation bearing down on me, the would-be Atlas.
So take my few, my paltry words, my sporadic, less-than-entertaining blog posts as they come.
I am exhausted.

1 comment:

lilith said...

Oh Mermins. You have forgotten/misunderstood the " as thyself" part of "Love thy neighbour". Let others look after you for once. You will discover your true friends in all this.