Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Dear Yes supporters

I don't want you to leave. I never wanted you to leave. But if you insist on doing so, let me set the record straight on a few things. And, in the words of Aussie 80s heart-throb Jason Donovan, give me one good reason to leave, I'll give you ten good reasons to stay.

1) The pound
You will not get it. You might get something like the Micronesian Dollar. But it will not carry any resonance with the rest of the world. That was a little petulant. Threadneedle reckons you'll get sterlingisation, which is basically 'unilateral adoption' of the pound but with no say in monetary affairs or access to the central bank as lender of last resort.

2) Iceland
Your economy will retract to the size of Iceland's just before its economic meltdown in 2007-2008.

3) Jobs
Without being an EU member on separation, it is likely that your citizens will automatically have to reapply for a working visa to stay and work in the rest of the UK. Moreover, your citizens will no longer be able to have free economic migration into England and the rest of Europe as you will not be ratified as an EU member state for months, if not years.

4) Banks
Your largest banks and financial services companies have already set in place plans to move south of the border should you vote Yes. This will severely limit your capital markets and create poor GDP growth.

5) Debt
You will NOT be bailed out of debt by the rest of the UK or, if you opt for EU membership, the EU for a long time. 

6) Investors
Already you are losing investors. One large investor has already moved £1m out of his scottish bank holdings and into safer assets. American asset managers and custodians such as Multrees Investor Services have moved "hundreds of millions of pounds" out of the country. Japanese Bank Nomura is warning investors to cash in their Scottish holdings. 

7) Pensions
Who will shore up your citizen's pension schemes when your government runs into debt? Where will be your minimum guarantee? It has already been mentioned that Scottish and other UK companies that historically operated defined benefit pension schemes with a large workforce split between Scotland and the rest of the UK may, in the event that an independent Scotland joined the EU, find there are new 'Section 75 Debt' liabilities owing to the cross-border nature of their pension fund membership.This will be very costly for some schemes.

8) National Savings & Investments
If the Yes voters get their way, savers in Scotland could ONLY invest new money if they had a bank account in England, Wales or NI. In order to KEEP your existing income and guaranteed income bond accounts, the Telegraph reports, you will need to have an English bank account. 

9) Taxation 
You will have to go through an entirely new tax regime - and with an independent Scotland likely to face higher drags on GDP and a lack of free cash flow to underpin the economy, taxation is likely to be higher in an independent Scotland than it is in the UK, despite what the politicans may be saying now. Just wait until it happens - and then you will see the politicans singing a different tune.

10) Oil
It is good to hear that Fergus Ewing,  your minister for energy, enterprise and tourisim, say that Scotland’s oil and gas sector is facing a bright future as half of oil reserves remain to be exploited. Citing figures from oil expert Professor Alex Kemp, using detailed financial modelling, it has been preducted that there will be significant discoveries in Scottish oil sector made over the next 30 years. However, who will fund these discoveries? Where will your tax credits for exploration come from? And in the meantime, how will Scotland carry the international clout to be able to import cheap oil from wherever else - especially if other countries do not trust whatever the currency will be?

You are faced with poorer economic growth, higher taxes, lower GDP, less international clout, higher unemployment, less certain underwriting on individual bank accounts and investments. You face becoming a highly risky, highly leveraged country unable to service its own debt, without borrowing heavily from its economic neighbours.

By all means, yes voters. Vote for something exciting and new. But if you really want it, you really really want it, you can have it - and all the pain that will go with it. If you want it that bad, I'll vote yes with you. It's about time we stopped shoring up a country that has always been a tailwind on our own economic growth.

Friday, August 01, 2014

The Amazonian quest to find a lost ark.

This is the Redacted transcript of a letter I just sent to Amazon's press team, copying in an award-winning consumer champion from the Daily Mail.

Dear Sirs

 I hope you can help me with my query, not just because I am a journalist but also because I have asked my fellow journalist Tony Hetherington to look into this with a view to a story.

He is copied in above, as are my friends XXXX and XXXX XXXXX.

 Please let me preface this with two things: I love the concept of Amazon and, secondly, I must apologise because twice in a row when I have been live chatting with your colleagues, my iPad crashed and cut me off mid-flow. I would not have ended a conversation so abruptly so please pass on my apologies for that to Monica and Kamal.

The issue is this: XXXX and XXXX are in hospital with their baby daughter, who has a serious heart problem. Yet they still were lovely enough to think of me and send me a gift (probably card making craft) for my birthday.

On Wednesday I got home and saw a 'we tried to deliver' card on my doorstep from Amazon. I live in a house, address: (Full Address Given). The card came with a tracking number: (Tracking Number Given). The card said Amazon would try again tomorrow (meaning Thursday). The card explicitly states I can contact you for redelivery.

What it does not say is that only the sender can do this. Now I guessed it was from XXXX and XXXX. It could have been from anyone. How on earth can a recipient of a gift ever get their gift if a tracking number cannot be used by the recipient? System fail...

 That evening I chatted online with Monica, who said she could see the order and said she could help redirect it but I would have to provide XXXX's email and full postal address for security before she could allow me to request a redelivery to my place of work at XXXX. Just as I was sending her their address, the screen crashed and I could not get back into chat.

The next day there was no card from Amazon at home. I thought this was weird so I texted XXXX, even though I did not want to bother her while she was staying at the hospital while her baby is recovering. The husband texted me back: 'Amazon left it with 29a'

There is no 29a (our street name). Only a 27 and a 31. Both neighbours are lovely and would have given me the parcel, if they'd had it. Immediately alarm bells rang as there is a place half a mile or so up the road called 29, The Market, (our street name), with a different postcode of 1R something. This is a Family Choice corner shop run by a nice Indian family.

I immediately went online to chat with your helpdesk and got someone called Kamal, who completely went against everything that Monica had told me. In fact, he said there was no order from XXXX XXXX (which cannot be true), failed to acknowledge that the order had been totally misdelivered and did not apologise at all. He didn't let me finish my explanations and kept asking me questions, the answers to which I had already provided. Just as I was explaining that I had no order number as I was the recipient, the screen crashed again. Very irritating on both counts.

I took to twitter, hoping Amazon Help could arrange some email or phone correspondence that would not have to involve XXXX or XXXX at this time. No dice. They kept referring me to your online form

Thing is, I have tried this twice already and got nowhere with this, because I have no order number. I'm being sent round in circles, like a broken drone. (Did a drone deliver the parcel, by the way? Because that might explain a lot!).

Still no apology, by the way, or acknowledgement that your courier delivered my birthday present to the wrong address.

My husband and I did some research today. We went to 29 The Market, (our street name). We had to get a bus to get there. Evidently not at all near our house.

We spoke with Mr Kumar in the shop, who told us where 29a was. He said we would not like it 'as it is full of druggies and always getting raided'. He said 'if your parcel has gone there you will never get it back'. I saw the look in his eyes. It was the look of a man in fear of what lived above him. Evidently he has seen dark, terrible things. Unspeakable things. Things no shop owner should see.

I digress, however.

Well we went round the back, up some rickety stairs covered over with a corrugated iron roof. It looked like a derelict bordela's fire escape. I am glad my husband was with me, it was not safe. It was littered with filth, stank of old drugs and beer and cigarettes and only had half its windows intact.

It even had its door scarcely boarded up after what could either have been a raid or a drunkard deciding to make a cat flap with his foot. Indeed, the only redeeming feature about this place was a freshly minted cat shit on the side of the step.

Nobody answered our repeated knocking.

I enclose some photos of this drug-ridden residential souk to which I was led in my futile quest to find the parcel you lost.

Question one: Why would you come to the correct house on Wednesday but a completely different address on Thursday?

Question two: Why provide a tracking number and tell the recipient they can contact you to redirect, when they cannot do so without an order number?

Now I guessed it was XXXX and XXXX. Other people getting random parcels have no idea who sent it or how to get an order number. I also enclose a photo of the card which suggests I can redeliver by simply calling or contacting. This is apparently only true if you made the order. Not if you happen to have nice friends who send you birthday presents.

So we have reached an impasse.

1) I have no birthday present, because it has gone into an illegal Dusk til Dawn B&B and will never be seen again.
2) I have had to involve XXXX and XXXX on this quest, when really, their priority is their baby, not chasing up a parcel
3) I have had conflicting information from two of your help-desk staff and keep getting sent back to the same form where I will no doubt be told the same thing over and over like a Groundhog Day for the technological age.
4) I have had no acknowledgement or apology.

Therefore, please may I suggest the following is not unreasonable given the circumstances and the fact the error of misdelivery lies with you.
1) Please refund the delivery charge back to XXXX and XXXX for the lost parcel.
2) Please supply XXXX and XXXX with £75 worth of vouchers for themselves in compensation for the hassle and stress they have been put through at such a time. Please would you apologise to them? Thank you.
3) Please package up another exact same copy of that gift order, free of all charges and delivery fee, and deliver it to my place of work at the (Provided). Please deliver to that address w/c Monday 4 August.
4) Please consider how to amend your system to be fairer to the recipient of gifts, especially where the sender may be unknown.

You can verify this with XXXX and XXXX who are copied in. Thank you for your help in this matter. 

Mermaid of Moorgate (Full name and address provided)

Photos: 1) The door. Nosferatu, are you there? Yes but I am still tripping out.
2)Room with a view? Yes, and some poo, some litter, and some other weird stuff.
3) The roof terrace. Not quite the Kensington Roof Gardens.
4) My card delivered on the Wednesday, with tracking number. (Image was provided)

Tuesday, June 03, 2014

A splurge of posts will ping their way

Thank you to those who have emailed and texted and facebooked and commented asking where I am and what I am up to. The answer is nowhere, and up to no good. But seriously, I have been so super busy that I have only been able to start to create posts, and never finished them. I shall endeavour to do better. Watch this space!

Thursday, July 18, 2013

30-year-olds are all doomed, dooooomed I tell you!

The average 30 year old British worker is doomed. Doomed to scrape a meagre living while in their 30s, their so-called 'prime of life', or else doomed to a penurious retirement,  living off Salvation Army means and one lump of coal a day to heat our huts. 

As house prices accelerate 60% faster than the incomes of those who own them, according to Office for National Statistics data, those who are blessed to already be property owners may be thanking their heavenly benefactors that they have at least been able to get on the property ladder, in the hope that this pile of bricks and mortar could provide some income or capital gain in retirement, when the mortgage is paid off. 

That is, assuming that they do not become redundant, or be out of work for longer than their insurance will cover them, or they discover they are exceptionally fertile and do a Dionne Family. Trust a Canadian to name-check something that happened in Montreal in the 1950s. Oh well. 

So assuming the house remains without need of significant or costly repair, those who own their own property still, the rule-of-thumb dictates, have at least six months' salary saved up in case the worst happens. What about Generation Rent? Figures released recently by LSL Property Services cite that the average rental income in London alone is £1120 - higher than a current mortgage on a five-bedroom property in the  'Urbs - and set to rise further.

Even so, the 30 somethings are expected to save at least six months' salary in ready money.

And here is where the doom comes in. I do not see how, given the rising rental prices, the average UK worker in their 30s can, on the gross average UK salary of £26,000, save just over £12,000 (six months' salary gross of any tax). 

Add to this the need to save for their retirement - which could be up to 30 years after the State Retirement Age of 67, given the rising longevity rates - and the doom of this generation is apparent.

Nigel Green, chief executive of the deVere Group, said thirty-somethings should be putting aside £824 a month, if they desire to retire 65 with the recommended level of pension income. 

According to Mr Green, the calculations are based on the average salary UK’s of £26,500, the assumption of retiring at the default retirement age with a pension income of 75 per cent of pre-retirement earnings, no current savings, yearly inflation of 3 per cent, pre-retirement investment returns of 5 per cent, and any returns after retirement of just 3 per cent on their investments.

Now I have always believed in the virtue of saving. Whether it is as simple as me emptying my purse of all small loose change every night into a jar, bagging it and paying it into a savings account, paying into my employer's pension scheme, doing additional freelance work and using the proceeds to boost my small ISA, the value of saving as much as possible is inestimable.

Whether people like me in their 30s can afford to set aside £850 a month for a pension as well as accrue six months' cushion is another matter. If one can try to save 10 per cent of your money each month, in a mixture of employer pensions and Isas, this soon becomes a good savings habit and it will help in the harder times of unemployment, illness, retirement - and quintuplets.

Without any form of saving, no matter how small, it is true that all of us 30-somethings are financially doomed. We need to wake up and smell the coffee, but not expensive coffee-shop beverages. Take a jar to work and make your own and save £3 every day.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

A day of spurious hatred

Two days ago, on my now-obliterated Facebook page, I reposted an extremely well-argued, thoughtful and balanced blog on the vices and virtues of PRISM and NSA-like activities.

I considered it to present both sides of the story pretty well: the need for scrutiny and to monitor what may be illegal activity, against the rights of the individual to privacy.

It got zero comments.

Not true. It got one comment, from me, stating: "I give you gold, people, and you say nothing. I write about toilet habits and I get 101 comments and 200 likes."

Today, I was late for the train, along with ten other people, who would have easily got on the train before the doors closed, except that some mother was letting her small toddlers dandle down the stairs in front of busy commuters, who could not simply push a child out of the way.

As a result we missed the train by a few seconds. I then posted on my facebook a comment that basically indicated it was unfair for 10 workers to be inconvenienced by a mother. I also said I wasn't interested in hearing whining comments from mothers.

I got whining comments from mothers, some of whom had the utter effrontery to make snide comments about Christianity to me. Pot, Kettle.

1) I can say what I like on my facebook

2) You can argue on facebook, but it is like running the special olympics: you can win, but you're still retarded.

I don't force my life choices on people. Maybe when I am a parent I may have to. But there is no excuse for bringing an enormous pram onto a packed commuter train, while frantic commuters run up and down the platform because they cannot get onto that carriage. This happened at Herne Hill.

That is simply taking advantage of the gift of motherhood and shoving it in people's faces as if because someone has become a mother, therefore they are better and more caring than everyone else.

Right now, let it be clear, I do actually love children. They are great. And I am sure I will become an annoying  mother. But right now I have very little sympathy for mothers who can't get over their own selves but have to resort to calling me "arrogant and entitled" for expressing my opinion that it is not fair that one person should have prevented 10 people from getting to work.

And therefore I realised how all single women, or married women who have chosen not to have children must feel. Second-class. Or that their opinions do not count.

Well here's to those who choose not to have children. I may not agree for my self, but I applaud your decision.

For ten reasons:

1) Being a mother does not give you carte-blanc to think you are better than everyone else. You're the same annoying person you were before giving birth, except now you only have one line of conversation and you think you're right about everything to boot.
2) Your child is not an amazing super-talent or "unlike other children". Balderdash. It poops its pants like every other child.
3) Your two month old did not deliberately elucidate two or three-syllable words, when it can't even say "da"  or "ma" yet. You are simply hallucinating from lack of sleep.
4) When you push your pram onto a packed commuter train and then complain because someone said 'Owch', don't complain. You're forcing your life choices on others, not the other way round.
5) If your precious angel cries or gristles during a service, or a play, or a meeting, yes, this does upset everyone else in the room. Take the thing outside. We didn't force you to have a baby, you chose it and it is your job to deal with its crying, not ours.
6) If you don't want it getting in the way of other people, put reins on it. I had reins and I was always kept safe, rarely had a fall and yes, while I didn't enjoy my 'freedom', the rest of humanity appreciated my parent's consideration.
7) "I can't believe people won't allow children at the wedding." Personally, I agree. I like children at weddings. It's fun. But I can see why some people might want a nice, grown up affair with lovely things that matter if they're broken. Again, they didn't force you to populate the earth, respect their decision.
8) Being single or a non-parent doesn't preclude us from having an opinion. What it does stop us doing is affecting people around us in a negative way. Your child's tantrum in the shop is a pain in the posterior and we will give you dirty looks because it is annoying.
9) Just because some women do not want children does not mean they are not as good as you. Stop being a martyr. You chose motherhood. We didn't choose your motherhood.
10) Don't expect us to do a backflip and clap like a cheerleader when you tell us little Tommy has said his first word or smiled or said no. Big fricking whoop. Wait until he's 20 and then does his first smile or say his first word, then we will rejoice with you. Until then, shut it. You're not interesting. You used to be. You used to have conversation that didn't start with "When you're a mother". When you're no longer a moron, come speak with me again.

I am sure you can think of more. I am sure I'd be DELIGHTED to hear all your comments about how awful, how could she say these things, etc etc. I've got an opinion and I am entitled to it. And to air it on my facebook or twitter or anything without a bunch of self-indulgent holier-than-thou mothers getting all supercilious about it. Half of your children will probably end up throwing you in a cheap retirement home anyway and moving to Australia to get away from you.

Think on that.

Monday, May 20, 2013

The curious case of the cat in the night

Last night my migraine was so bad that I vomited, felt excessively dizzy and hot, and decided to put myself to bed early, 9:30 or thereabouts.

Yesterday being one of the few warm days this year, and my own body temperature reaching that point between 'blood boiling' and 'face exploding', I hesitated before shutting the first-floor kitchen window.

I thought: 'perhaps I shall just put it to; a little cool air may do me some good'.

But then a voice from deeper, further, a voice born of instinct or God, spoke like a wise elder across my thoughts. "Shut the window; something could get in. Could climb on that roof and get in." I was obedient to that voice, shut and secured the window, although in all my nine years living there, nothing has come in, except whatever creature Monty The Cat has deemed acceptable as a half-alive/dead/alive-and-exceptionally-affronted offering. But Monty The Cat was curled up in whiskering contentment on my bed.

We both slept. Until there was a scratching, a tapping at the kitchen window. Because of my migraine, I dozed fitfully, so the noise woke me immediately. It happened again; the cat, too, with his extraordinary sense, looked immediately at the kitchen, bounded noiselessly onto the counter and peered at the garden visible neath the four inches of gap between blind and sill.

Ears forward, tail twitching, he had reached there in a second; my bumbling humanity, tho almost as silently, reached it in four seconds. Nothing was there; the security lights were on downstairs and in the alley to the side, but there was no sign of a fleeing tail or crouching tigger, hidden fox. No sound from outside nor shaking of a tree to indicate the flight of the culprit.

I am sure it was no more than a large bird, or cat or, at an outside chance, a fox - but this is the first time that any animal other than monty has attempted to come in. Mindful of the voice of warning I had heeded, I thought how auspicious it was that I had listened to that voice, even though it had been contrary to my desires.   I glanced at the kitchen clock, which is digitally linked to the correct GMT. It was by then a few seconds after midnight. The scratch, heard by both MTC and myself, happened at midnight exactly. Curious, eh?

Friday, May 17, 2013

Falling into herself: the Mermaid chronicles her descent into a strange mental world

1) A tendency to forgetfulness
This has started to bug me. Every now and then, I am so overheated in my head with thinking about this and that and the other, that something will steam up and I will mislay my keys or forget my phone or someone's name will completely evaporate.

But until recently, these have been few and far between, incidents that were notable for their infrequency, not their frequency. Just three weeks ago, I left my phone at home three times in the space of five days. I regularly forget people's birthdays, things I have to do, where I am going and what I am meant to be doing. I have started emails and forgotten two whom I am writing.

Thing is, I write lists. Copious lists. I have electronic and paper based diaries. I always keep memos of what I need to do and things to remember. But I have been forgetting to look at these.

2) A glaringly long-term memory
Simultaneously, my long-term memory has been sending me flashbacks from the past that have startled me with their glaring intensity. Scenes like a snapshot of my young life have flickered before my waking mind, vivid, suddenly.

I will remember a poem, a line from a book, a sensation of my first taste of olives, a scent of cleaning fluid, the first thing I heard a boy - who later became known to us as 'Big Will' - say at university on the occasion of the first dinner the first night at Tetley Hall ("Flipping hell, look at all the birds"). I will suddenly recall the lyrics to a song long dormant in my neural recesses.

It concerns me that I can remember the distant past and forget the immediate, the just-gone moments.

3) Easy distraction
I will be in the middle of a conversation at work or church or in a professional context and, without realising it, I have somehow gotten the stranger down a complete side road, a leafy avenue of conversation that has nothing to do with corporate bonds or the problems with pensions liberation.

We end up discussing ticks on dogs, the smell of autumn rain, my childhood terror of ceilings that prompted me to cling onto the nearest wall and refuse to let go.

Or I go online to check on someone's job title. I end up on twitter, then flick to a flickr page, then onto a facebook group and so on and so on until I realise I am reading a Daily Mash article about Kim Kardashian's shoes and I have no idea how I got there, or what I was doing at the point of my distraction.

I do not know how I manage to get any stories written or articles produced or the desk managed.

4) Denial and displacement
I know my wedding dress does not quite fit me. I am a little to big for it. I am getting married in 80 days' time. I am ostensibly dieting, I convince myself I am dieting. I am not. I am eating carbs - more and more carbs. I am drinking coffee and getting to bed late and waking up late and drinking coffee and eating carbs and sugar and cakes, all the while knowing that this is not helping but perpetuating the cycle.

But get this - I am still convinced that I am on a diet. I feel that I have hypnotised myself into believing that I am losing weight, that I am on a diet. I cannot believe that my 'little snacks' are anything more than a one-off, any more than I am convinced that my increasing forgetfulness is a series of 'one-offs'.

I am also convinced that when I do eat - it is other people's fault. I am out with them, or being led astray, or coerced into eating what they put in front of me. It is everyone's fault but my own. Except nobody has force-fed me anything. This is all my own doing.

5) The fog
All this above has helped to create a fog. I am walking from day to day in a fog. I am unclear about where I am going, what I am doing - what I am SUPPOSED to be doing, who I am and what did I do with the thingy that I need for the wotsit? You know, the doo-dad that goes in the thing? The who what dowotta now?

Sigh. I am not myself. I am in invisible cotton wool. I have been cocooned in mental bubble wrap, perhaps to protect me against the inevitable pain that will come with the house sale and the house move and the wedding and the honeymoon and the lifechange that is all happening within the next three months.

My fear is that when all this change is done, when all the fog has cleared, will I be the same afterwards? Will I still feel mentally dazed and confused? Has the process of madness commenced already - am I falling into myself? I have met and mentored so many people whose process into a state of duality has started with this dizzying whirl of mental, physical, emotional activity. I am genuinely worried that this will happen to me, and this is why I am writing this blog again, starting once more to collate my thoughts and compose myself. The mermaid is looking for herself and wants to find her.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

50 things people have done that have annoyed me since Sunday

1) Some people have no concept of walking in a straight line. This is exceptionally annoying when they cross in a diagonal right in front of your straight and honest path on a zebra crossing, causing you to stop in your tracks and in the tracks of the waiting cars. Morons. Have you not even started to evolve?
2) Sneezing without covering their faces with their hands.
3) A man coughed on the train, I kid you not, evidently coughed some gloob into his hand, looked at it and licked his palm. LICKED HIS PALM. People are animals.
4) Why do people think it is okay to stop right in front of you in the middle of the pavement?
5) People who do not know how to walk up stairs. Getting the lift to go one floor just to heat their lunch up. They are not ill, disabled or pregnant. I know this because I know them. They are simply lazy.
6) There is a lady (for want of a better word) who works on the 5th floor in the FT building who does not know how to flush the chain. She always takes the biggest cubicle – meant for the disabled, by the way – and proceeds to do a poo. She then leaves all her poo there for other people to flush. This would not be so bad but she only does this when she is on her period. Therefore she leaves poo and blood and smears of bloody-poo stained toilet roll all over the toilet bowl. This woman is an animal and if I find out who it is I will literally drag her back into the cubicle and make her flush the chain. She is a cretin whose parents left her to be dragged up by wolves. She is a disgusting, abominable creature and I will find out who this vile piece of what should be humanity actually is. She will learn to flush, even if it costs me my job.
7) That’s it, actually. Only six things have annoyed me over the past two days.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Here comes the Bride, looking like she's cried

50 Things I have started to worry about as I head precipitate towards our wedding day.

  1. People will take delight in informing me that they are hungry and ask ‘when is the dinner’
  2. People will delay the timings at the venue by being late or slow
  3. The few hardcore drinkers will use up all the free drinks tab and those who don’t drink will have to pay for their own cokes
  4. The table settings will look stupid
  5. The decorations will fall down during the meal
  6. Someone will break something that I will have to pay for
  7. The wedding car will get caught in traffic
  8. The wedding dress will get caught in the door
  9. The wedding dress will get smeared in poo. I do poo regularly throughout the day. What if I can’t hoist it up properly and end up getting poo on it?
  10. My parents will argue with each other
  11. My parents will contain their arguments with each other but tell me all about it instead
  12. My bridesmaids will argue with each other
  13. My bridesmaids will contain their arguments but tell me all about it instead and make me come to the toilet with them, during which I will poo on my skirt
  14. Someone with children will ask me why I am not letting them stay for the evening when other people with children are staying for the evening
  15. Someone’s child will put poo on my skirt
  16. Someone’s child will argue about who will put poo on my skirt
  17. Someone will get burned by the fireworks
  18. Someone I don’t like much will not get burned by the fireworks
  19. People I don’t know will tell me information I don’t need to know
  20. People will offer me tips about the wedding night or make obscene comments
  21. People will wonder why there are no speeches (see the above)
  22. I will have a plethora of calls during the morning from people asking stupid questions of the bride: “What time does it start?” “What colour are the bridesmaids wearing?” “Will it matter if I turn up late?” “Will there be a gluten-free option?” “Have you got so-and-so’s telephone number?”.
  23. I will have spots on my chest from stress
  24. I won’t have time to do my hair
  25. The decorations will go all wrong because I am not there to supervise
  26. I will hate my dress on the day
  27. Only my side of the church will be singing the hymns
  28. The preacher will ramble on and make the same point 100 times as usual
  29. I will need a wee
  30. I WILL need a wee. This is not a fear. This is fact. I have to go every hour.
  31. Despite all the decorations, bouquets, flower arrangements, cards, order of services etc being my designs, my creations and my time-agonising craftwork, I will get none of the praise and all of the criticism: ‘if only it had been taller/smaller/wider/more colourful, or ‘you should have, you could have done, I would have done, I did’.
  32. People will try to pin money on my dress. This will only NOT be a bad thing if there is a poo smear on it, because the money will cover it up
  33. Someone will gatecrash
  34. Someone will get lost and ring me for directions
  35. The best man will decide he does want to do an impromptu speech. At the last minute.
  36. I will fart during the vows
  37. The photographer will charge extra time for people being SLOW or the preacher going on and on and Ariston
  38. The photos will come out looking shocking, what on EARTH is that on my dress?
  39. A million people will tag a million photos of me unauthorised on facebook
  40. Someone will complain about the DJ
  41. The DJ will complain about other people
  42. The best man will forget to pay the rest of the DJ’s money
  43. The DJ will complain about the best man
  44. The Best Man will fight with the DJ
  45. My father will dangle the Best Man over the balcony
  46. The reception will mess up the cake stand
  47. The reception will lose the pre-ordered bespoke cupcakes
  48. A child will lick all the bespoke cupcakes
  49. Bespoke cupcake stains will get smeared on my dress
  50. A stray crow will fly into the building, causing mayhem and destruction and smearing my dress with guano, before plucking out the eyes of a small child who should have been sitting down on the kid’s table but, no, mummy got too precious and decided that little sonny/little bonny had to come and sit with them, which means the person next to them will have had a small foot kicking them over and over and over during the wedding breakfast, until of course the rabid crow comes and de-ocularises the brat.

Monday, November 26, 2012


I am exhausted. It is barely 10pm and I am already exhausted, despite having done very little save a little washing up and boiling my Christmas puddings (which involves pouring water into the pans at intervals). Hardly taxing.
I don't know when or how this gnawing fatigue came creeping over me, overcoming my every move and thought. The tiredness gets me, makes me forget that I am hungry, causes me to lose things, wheedles tears from me for little or no reason and jump-starts me into fits of stressful anxiety over yet another thing that I have remembered to add to my ever-growing to-do list.
I should jettison the to-do list. I know that. But without it I would forget what I am supposed to be doing, or what I should be doing.
It has been a while since I published to this blog. I doubt people still read it, as there is very little of use or entertainment on it nowadays. Maybe one day. When I have time.
When I have time!
The doctor has diagnosed me with RDD - reactive depression disorder. Caused by stress. Caused by doing too much, by volunteering, by taking extra on myself 'because I can take it'. Because nobody else will. Because I feel guilty saying 'No'. No to friends, no to my mum, no to everyone. It cannot be said. I have been brought up to believe saying 'no' is selfish. It is putting my own needs before others' and that is wrong.
And now as a result of this residual guilt I have broken down, fallen apart, faltered at the first new hurdle, collapsed and feel the weight of everyone's expectation bearing down on me, the would-be Atlas.
So take my few, my paltry words, my sporadic, less-than-entertaining blog posts as they come.
I am exhausted.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

The IEA has lost the plot over pensioners

Let them eat nothing

Does Clegg talk to Steve Webb, ever? Did anyone over the age of 60 vote LibDem? Has Clegg officially lost the plot?

I refer to his comments at today's Lib Dem Conference when this chap, whose parents were hardly malingering in poverty during his comfortable upbringing, said that pensioners should start getting their incomes cut by way of surrendering universal benefits.

Well, that is well and good. Perhaps the most wealthy pensioners don't need a fuel allowance or a free TV licence. But why should these be taken from them? Every winter that comes the fuel bills get higher and higher, and with the effect of inflation eating into people's incomes, and affecting the oldest of the population the most, the fact that everyone can get a fuel dividend or a free TV licence is a pretty nice benefit.

It's one of the virtues of living in a so-called democracy, Clegg, a democracy where there is a decent, if heavily in need of repair, national health service. A democracy whereby rich and poor are treated with respect.

And when you state that it's time to cut from the most wealthy, you end up squeezing those who are on the border lines - who are just about making do, by sheer willpower and the fact they have been prescient enough to save all their lives. Now you want to penalise these for their prudence.

What's more, you will end up opening the floodgates for a whole raft of ill-informed ideas from think-tanks whose staff have all benefited from a middle-class upbringing and education, and whose parents probably live quite well in a finely appointed country home, tending their begonias, waxing their jackets and going on constitutionals with their black Labradors, who all seem to be called Ollie.

I refer to this insane release from the IEA:

"Commenting on Nick Clegg’s call for wealthy pensioners to surrender age-related universal benefits, Mark Littlewood, Director General at the Institute of Economic Affairs, said:

“Nick Clegg is right to highlight the unfair nature of universal age-related benefits, but all pensioners should surrender these benefits. Means-testing would be a bureaucratic nightmare and would not make savings for the government.

"The three non-cash benefits to pensioners should be abolished. If the coalition is worried about the poor they should focus on increasing the cash means-tested benefits already in existence. The current system lacks any economic rationale.

“The government has imposed many new burdens on the younger generation, yet older people have remained largely insulated from the cuts. It is time this changed.”

This is patent nonsense. One-quarter of those who are deemed poverty-stricken in this country are pensioners. Many of these do not have family or friends on whom to rely, and their one ray of light is getting a free TV licence so they get some form of human contact.

Why shouldn't the poorest have a fuel payment in winter? Energy companies are raking it in and to suggest that this, along with other benefits, be cut, is simply condemning the poorest people to death. That's right, whoever at the IEA considers that there's no economic rationale to giving a fuel payment, even to the poorest old folk. You talk 'economics'. I talk 'ethics'. We have a responsibility to care for our elderly. Perhaps your parents are well off enough not to miss £75.

Well let me tell you, Mister, without that £75 my mum would not be able to afford the higher central heating bills at Christmas, and would end up freezing. And she's not even on the poverty line. You take that away from the nation's poorest pensioners, and you are signing a death warrant. Smart move, Mr Littlewood, smart move. I bet your pension will come in at more than £9000 a year. That's what my mother lives on. A company pension of £9000 a year and about £1800 from the government. Is that what you hope for in retirement? Is that what you long for? Is this your dream? I think not, Mr Littlewood, I think not.

The third benefit is free travel. Well, not every old person in this country has a car, can drive or is able to drive. How do you think the oldest people get to hospital, to the shops, just outside of their front doors? If your mad idea is ever taken seriously, thousands of the nation's most elderly will end up becoming prisoners in their bleak, cold, TV-less houses until they die.

Perhaps you think old people just want to malinger inside their homes, shivering beneath a WWII grey serge army blanket and looking at a giant photograph sellotaped to the front of a blank TV screen? Perhaps you forgot that the majority of the pensioners that you would push further into Dickensian poverty spent their youth working for, and fighting for, the freedoms that you in your nice, comfortable, middle-class job and higher-than-most retirement will enjoy.

Friday, July 20, 2012

Panel debate: Restoring trust in financial services -

Panel debate: Restoring trust in financial services -

Financial Adviser, one of the papers for which I work, has been instrumental in the launch of this campaign, from a germ of an idea in November last year, through to the official launch earlier this month.

On the way we have had some very high profile support, from the outgoing archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Williams, Rabbi Jonathan Romain, Keith Tondeur OBE - founder of Credit Action - and many big-name companies from the world of finance: NS&I, Legal & General, Vanguard and SCM Private.

But sadly not a single front-bencher of any party decided to get involved. We asked known religious politicians - not a single one wanted to lend their support to the Question of Trust campaign. I guess none of the Treasury, DWP or policy makers in Whitehall think that it is important to restore trust in financial services and to instil values of fidelity, faithfulness and honesty.

That pretty much explains the following: Barclays, HSBC, Northern Rock, Equitable Life, PPI mis-selling... etc etc

ho hum!

Monday, July 16, 2012

Now if only I had thought of this instead of doing my roots...

The wonders of the weather in England at the moment will never cease to amaze me. We are wearing our winter coats, scarves and thick black tights. Those days of wearing strappy sandals and pretty floral dresses have gone. They left in April, when the good weather disappeared.

I've never known a summer like this. Sure, it always rained during Wimbledon, to annoy the players from hotter climates and see if it could put them off their stride, but all through May, June and July, this persistent, cold drizzle has become exceptionally annoying.


1) We have to wear winter clothes
2) We can't go outside and enjoy a walk at lunchtime
3) Weekends are spent running from shelter to shelter
4) BBQ... not on your life. Nobody is having any.
5) Summer skirts and pretty shoes have been relegated to a corner of the wardrobe
6) Apples and orchard fruit have not grown. They are all the size of small plums or have not ripened at all.

Now I am trying to find the positive in all this and there are many.

1) Bewel Water has now become full again after many years of drought
2) Salmon fisheries are happy about their reservoirs being refilled
3) There's no hosepipe ban
4) Women no longer have to worry about keeping their legs shaved or using fake tan.
5) We're becoming more cultured as we are looking for indoor pursuits, including museum and exhibition visits
6) It's an excuse not to do gardening

But in all this it has become a big talking point, binding everyone together this Jubilee year. One PR told me: 'I have taken up running and now my hair just continually looks like I am wearing a frizzy poodle on my head'.

This has given me ideas - pet-themed headgear. And here is my personal favourite, courtesy of the good folk at Icanhascheezburger:

Lolcats: NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA - Cheezburger - BETA


Friday, June 22, 2012

My Milkshake, the Pliny Way

My Milkshake….
ego ventus reputo suus vicis la la la la,
calor es lalala,
pueris es exspectere

Mea crassum coagulatum lactatum qua se e addo totus pueris ut horto,
et they're like,
its melior quam suus,
nil refert, quam vox suus
melior quam vestra

Poseo docui tuam
Sed ego habeo ut tutela
can animadverto vestri in it,
tu volo mihi ut docui techniques
ut freaks illa pueros, nil potest exsis et vendere,
sed teneo, furtificus adepto caught,

ecce! si vestri smart,
la la la la la, calor es supies,
la la la la la,
pueris es exspectere,

Mea crassum coagulatum lactatum qua se e addo totus pueris ut horto
addo perficio totus pueris ut horto
et they're like,
its melior quam suus,
nil refert, vox suus melior quam vestri
Poseo docui tuam,
(c) Simoney Girard