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Monday, April 30, 2007

I always knew it - this is my inner donut/doughnut

You Are a Caramel Crunch Donut

You're a complex creature, and you're guilty of complicating things for fun.
You've been known to sit around pondering the meaning of life...
Or at times, pondering the meaning of your doughnut.
To frost or not to frost? To fill or not to fill? These are your eternal questions.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Punching a dog - nassssty

"A man in Minnesota has been arrested for punching his neighbours' dog. He claimed the dog had been provoking him by barking at all hours of the night, and running around his lawn, tearing up the turf and digging holes."

The delights of the rural states and their tabloid headlines. How they must be stuck for real news. At first glance, this seems like a pretty mean man. Punching a dog? Then people read the rest, and start to feel some sympathy - I mean, no-one wants some mutt peeing on their herbacious borders and digging up granny.

My question is - how the heck did he PUNCH the dog? Put aside any squeamishness about cruelty to animals. As half-mermaid, I deplore cruelty to anything living. But if you want to hurt a dog, surely you would KICK it? Man = upright, two legs. Bit frustrated, some hound is hovering around the garden, sure, give it a good old nudge along with you boot. I can see that.

Or a small, brown-mouthed scottie is slavering all over your carpet while attempting to hump your leg. Again, a not-too gentle push with your foot (preferably in a shoe, or slipper, or football boot, or hiking boot with crampon-style studs), yes. This is normal.

It is NOT normal to PUNCH a dog. Either the man is incredibly short, or the dog is incredibly tall. Obviously the man was incredibly stupid. Did he get down on all fours to square up to it?

"Hey, mutt-face, get offa my lawn".
"talking to me?"
"yeah, you...."
"Whaddya want?"
"I want you to get your dopey tongue and stinky breath outa here or I'll.."
"What, what gringo, you do what? Piss on my post? I laugh in your face. I shit on your flowerbed. See? What you gonna do about that gringo?"
"Why you little - I oughta... get away from the tree now, I mean it... "
"Make me, white boy"
"Right, I'm calling you out."
"Bite me"
"No, YOU bite ME, you're the Dog?"
"Who you callin' dog, beaaatch?"
"That's it" - WHAM -

Joe slung him a right hook to the stomach, followed by an upper cut with his left to the chin. Battle ensued.

SUDDENLY....a sound of sirens rent the air....

"It's the fuzz..."
"Dirty pig-dogs... I live to crap on your lawn another day, gringo"

Monday, April 23, 2007


Poor me. I am all at sea, which would usually be good for a mermaid, but unfortunately I've still got a human soul and it does not bode well. I think the waves might flow over me and I might drown in my own self-pity. I ache, my heart is broken, and I see no point in trying to swim for shore. If I'm lucky, some sea-witch might swim up and give me a giant bar of toblerone in exchange for my sense of humour. sigh.

Friday, April 20, 2007

Ten Sounds to make you want to…

.. run a warm bath and lock the door behind you after writing a note to your mom, of course…

On someone's iPod played loudly…

Ten sounds to make you want to die:

The first one sounded like a woman being slowly roasted on a spit.

The second, like a small Arabian boy was being beaten with camel whips, with lash sound effects

The third, like stoned aliens were slowly landing (man) but being picked off, one by one, by a vet sniper with tranquilisers

Fourth - sounds like Beethoven has turned to the dark side

Fifth – Sounds Of The End, by A Nuclear Fallout (little known group from Chernobyl)

Sixth – an appalling silence, interspersed with a tinkling bell-effect and taxi sounds.

Seventh – oh gosh no, not more, oh help, there's more – Oh goody, it's TECHNO music, blurting out from a 40+ something's iPod. The joys

Eighth – A classical/Jazz remix of Toxic, one of the rare occasions where you long for Girls Aloud

Ninth – the iPod went silent - only for the silence to be replaced – by drilling from the builders downstairs. This has been going on for 18 months. WHEN WILL THEY REACH THE CENTRE OF THE EARTH?

Tenth – "Has anyone got an iPod lead? I need to re-charge my iPod". "No, nobody at all has one. Sorry" – rest of the room.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Please read this

Hero professor

thanks Melanie for the link.


I read it in Metro, so it must be true. Poor Stumpy has lost one of his dangly legs after being trapped in a wire fence. Stumpy the three-legged duck is doing fine though, and enjoying waddling around. Apparently he has a girlfriend called Alice.

Here's him pre-amputation.

In other weird news, today I saw a man, a respectable-looking, tastefully-but-casually-dressed young man taking a small vacuum cleaner for a walk along Oxford Circus. Who knows what he's done with the dog....

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Unsung hero

One thing in particular caught my eye in this sad story about the shootings in the US:

"Calhoun said that the two students behind him were shot, but that he believed they survived. Just before he climbed out the window, Calhoun said, he turned to look at his professor, who had stayed behind, apparently to prevent the gunman from opening the door.

The instructor was killed, Calhoun said."

If there is a way to go, I would want go standing in the line of fire, protecting the people I care about against all the odds. We don't even know the professor's name but he or she? - went beyond the call of duty to help his - or her - students escape. And gave his life in the process. Tell me if that act of courage and selflessness does not make you brim over.

Read the story here Virginia Shootings

Friday, April 13, 2007


Um.... so I got the wrong bar last night. Having told 1/2 the financial services journo and PR industry that we were going to have the Quarterly Atherton-Girard Drinks Combo (see my Souk Medina entry for December) in Jack's Bar and Lounge last night, I promptly went and got the wrong darn bar.

In my defence, the sign was obscure, and the place was heaving, and so when I found a massive corner table by an open window, with two sofas and lots of chairs, I immediately DIVED onto it, shouting "Bagsie Bagsie I save all!" (Actually, I just sat down and put a couple of bags/coats surrepticiously around, but I wish I had shouted out "Bagsie Bagsie"... it would have been more fun...

So of course sitting there smug as a cat with cream, thinking: "I got a soooofa, I got a soooofa... where is everybody? uh?" and getting a little narked at people's lack of timeliness. Until Mark Atherton said: "You've been here before?"

"Yes", I said, looking round the room. "I came just a month ago for one of my best friend's 30th birthday" (Eloise Cheung, hair stylist extraordinaire. Check out Paris Fashion Week - her work). "But it did not have these weird ceiling vines. Or those lights. Or that doorway there - and it used to have a balcony and a set of decs for the resident DJ....." I said as the realisation suddenly dawned (there was no balcony): I was in the wrong bar. People had come, not seen, and conquered the tube home instead. GAH!

However, we got a good crowd, probably 30 or so, and the evening went on until the wee sma' hours in bar EV, which is also very good and serves the best fresh hummous. Some great conversations were had, friendships solidified, and there were no fights this time.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Payback for the ho-meister

While Geoff was getting ready to go out for the evening, those kind people at MODE photoshopped him, giving him a nice airbrushing and blanking out the Pot Noodle stains down his clothing. I'm just sorry we did not have a "before" photo of him...

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Four-Legged Duck!

Talk about being fearfully and wonderfully made!

Here is what farmers have longed for - a four-legged duckling! And this is not even an April Fool joke!

You can read all about Stumpy the four-legged duck here. I am sure there's a film in the making - hey, mr Spielberg....