Things that I don’t understand #1

Something's not quite right.

The first installment in a slightly less bile-filled series of lists about things that confuse and perplex me. I suspect this might have something to do with my age.

1) Quilted toilet paper

A close-up of this strange phenomenon. Why would you pin-prick flowers onto your poop roll?

I just don’t get quilted toilet paper (also known as QTP). It is evidently too thick to be of 100% efficacy for one’s nether regions, and it certainly looks anything but good taste. For me, quilted toilet paper is akin to those gold plastic boxes that people put tissues into to disguise the (far more aesthetically pleasing) cardboard box. Am I alone in thinking that QTP is not to be found in the finer establishments of this hallowed isle of Great Britain? I have visited Eltham Palace. It was not there. I have been to Claridges. It was not there. But I have found it in an old lady's bathroom (not my mother's, thankfully), along with a doll in a knitted dress coyly hiding another QTP roll under her voluminous pink skirts.


2) Tight jeans with saggy bottoms

I think I am going blind

First, there were straight-legged jeans. Then there were straight-legged jeans that hung down slightly at the waist, prison style. Now there are tight tight tight jeans with saggy bottoms. Apparently they are called Drop Crotch Skinnies. Ye gods and little fishes. I don’t understand these at all. Usually sported by skinny white men with bristling beards – the sort of wiry-looking men most prisoners would avoid near the shower rooms – these trousers seem to be spray-painted on until the thigh area, whereupon they just – sag. Is this because hipsters couldn’t manage to pull their tight pants down quickly enough to go to the toilet? Did North London experience an epidemic of poopy pants because nobody could peel the denim away from their hot sweaty thighs in time to squat? Is this a clever fashion device to allow hipsters freedom of botty movement? If so, then I completely get this trend. If not, then no, I don’t understand Drop Crotch Skinnies.

3) Smart Water

Have you seen this water? Call 0900-SuckerPunch now

Water is not smart. Water is water. It should have a neutral PH of approximately 7 – not too acidic, not too full of other base minerals, but it does not have a PHD. The only thing smart about Smart Water is the fact that someone realised that some people – usually those who wear tight denim with saggy bottoms – will be willing to pay £2.50 or more for a bottle of water. So while water has been around for millions of years, some suckers at the teat of posh water bottles really have just been born yesterday.

That is all. For now.