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Tuesday, June 26, 2007

We have ways of making you walk

I hate urban cyclists. I really, really do. They are wretched individuals. They are smug, self-satisfied arses who think they are doing their bit for the planet by pumping sweat and methane into the air for an hour every day. They believe themselves to be better than the rest of us who prefer to use the gym and eat healthily. And I loathe them, despise them with a despite scarcely imaginable.

It's not so much the fact that they are the smuggest people on earth. It's just that normal rules do not apply to them. They believe themselves to be demi-gods, outside the laws of the road, of morality, of basic decency and fashion sense.

Laws of the road

1) Pedestrians have right of way when there's a green man.
Oh! but no! A cyclist does not give a flying fart. A cyclist can just skim out in front of you, swearing profusely at little old ladies who can't get their scottie terriers out of the way in time. This morning I ended up calling out a cyclist who decided that stopping at a red light infringed her basic human rights. I think it was an infringement of my human rights that she wanted to run me over. "Don't the rules of the road apply to you?" I called after her. "F*** off" was what I think she said, but I could not be sure as by then she was mowing down a pregnant woman while beating off a blind man with her fists.

2) Wearing the appropriate gear.
I can tolerate cyclists who make sure they are wearing helmets, reflective bands, etc etc. They are to be taken relatively seriously as they are making an effort. But it's the gimps who think they are above the law. Sour-faced hoodies wriggling in and out in the bus lanes (SLOWLY) while speaking on their mobile phones. Old people with flat caps and leather satchels. Middle-aged women in skirts. Ridiculous middle-class girls with names like Darin or Alexandra who think cycling is the new cool thing to do, so they wear three-quarter length trousers and flip-flops (for crying out loud) and wobble their way along the road (again, SLOWLY). This is exactly what is wrong with our country. 60 years ago, these children of yuppies would have been married off safely at the age of 18 and stay at home out of our way.

But no! Now they have some trite little job in PR or publishing although they probably only scraped through home economics at Uni, and now they make our lives miserable by holding up traffic. I blame Weightwatchers. That alone is responsible for half the posh totty on our roads, as it informs everything they are, although to be honest, all they do in their lives is answer phones, worry about their highlights, drink wine, feel guilty so think they should cycle to work. We are held up because of their lack of personal fulfilment. Get a life and stay off the barely-seen-a-patch-of-mud mountain bikes.
Why do they want to cycle in the bus lane anyway?

3) Cycling in a bus lane.

Simple maths.... 1 bus = 90 people. 1 cycle = 1 slow twazzock
1 bus lane = clear, except for 1 bus full of 90 people, and 1 slow twazzock on a bike
Bus is permitted to go at 50 in the bus lane.
Cyclist is managing 15
Which one will get to work quicker?

The STOAB. Of course. Why? I hear you ask.
Well, the STOAB gets in front of the bus. it slows the bus down. STOAB does not know how to cycle towards the edge of the bus lane, to enable the bus to overtake it. Or perhaps the STOAB does know, but is a freaking friends of the earth, let's hug a baby seal global warming nut who thinks that the 90 people on the bus deserve to die because they're adding to carbon build-up. I'd carbon build up such a cyclist if I met one. I'd rip off his arm, beat him around the head with it until he died, and set fire to him. That should warm the globe up by 1 degree.

Every Single Day there is ONE dumbo cyclist who barely manages the basics of velocipedia and makes me late for work. One day I really am going to snap.


Of course, it's not so bad being on the top of the bus, giving the cyclist the evil eye and hoping that he gets a puncture. But in a car.... is there anything worse than seeing some sweaty, spandex butt shoved up in your face? Unless it's a girl wearing a thong? A damp, pink, tight thong, cutting into her ample folds of flesh, while her hipster jeans are half-way down her butt? The mere sight of this would turn milk.

Why do these people not understand?
1) obey the law
2) cycle properly
3) wear proper clothing
4) nobody wears a thong to exercise.

Well, actually, last night in the gym, three of us regulars were changing away when a newby came in to get showered and changed. She whisked off her brand-new sweatpants and bent down in our faces before we could avert our eyes. All three of us cringed and one took a step back, crying out: "My eyes! My EYES! It burns, I'm blind! Aaaarrrrgggghhh." for the newby was wearing a thong - a thong.... while exercising...

I bet she was on the cycling machine...

Moral of this tale? Always, always wipe the seat before you sit down at the gym....


Gorilla Bananas said...

But if you don't cycle, Simoney, how on earth do you keep your bottom in shape?

Fat Sparrow said...

We have a name for cyclists in my part of Southern California -- Roadkill. Drivers in giant SUVs and big ol' hoopties from the 70's rule the road here. Cyclists and pedestrians beware. Just today while I was out on the bus and walking inbetween bus stops, I counted 18 cars running red lights at 4 different intersections.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Fat Sparrow "Roadkill" - lovely image. I once got a book about making soup out of various roadkill. It was a Canadian book though...

GB: It keeps itself in shape.

LUCY said...

admit it... you hate cyclists because you can't cycle. I know that for a fact. You dont know how to ride a bike.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Alas! Tis true. I cannot ride a bike but, by gum, I can ride a hobby-horse