Award

Award
Social Media Award Winner

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Why am I still single?



I went to Coq d'Argent last night for an industry shin-dig.

As I had already been ill, and had taken co-codamol a few hours earlier, I got drunk quickly, At one point I was holding a Merlot in one hand and a Champagne in the other, telling everyone in a very posh totty voice: "Oh I love a balanced diet" - finding myself so funny that I went round telling the joke over and over and laughing at it each time. Yes, I am that sad.

Cute? That should have been the end of it. But because I had flirted with a waiter earlier, he kept refilling my champers glass until I ended up falling quickly into imbecility.

I told a work colleague that if he stopped smoking and became a christian, I would do him for a tenner.

I cuddled a former employee of mine and said: "Darling, I am an urban cougar and you're on my list of fresh meat." (apparently)

I got chatted up by a handsome journo from The Sun, but all I could muster in reply by then was: "How did you break your nose? Did you play rugby?" and that was the end of that brief romance.

I then started to speak French drunkenly the entire evening, to the French waiters, to my French friend, in fact - to everyone. Eventually I stopped when one of the waiters that I was holding onto (because the floor was moving), said: "I am Portuguese."
I then tried to speak Portuguese to him.
I don't speak Portuguese at all.
He brought me some water.

Refreshed slightly, I started onto the dancefloor and staggered and reeled like an utter moron, kissed a girl - it was her fault, she basically stuck her face into mine when I was intending to air-kiss her goodbye. Deciding it was time to run far far away.... I rushed to the toilets... and vomited into my handbag in the loos at Coq d'Argent.

I had gone ostensibly for a pee, and a nice sit-down. I put my handbag on the floor next to the toilet.

Sitting there I felt a sudden surge of projectile vomit, and turned around quickly - well, I slumped randomly so I was facing the wrong way for the first hurl. It was then that I thought - in for a penny, in for a pound, and continued to blow chunks in that general direction as lifting myself up from the position I had fallen into was too hard.

Half of the champagne-fuelled spew was bouncing off the walls, running all over the floor around my knees and knickers, which were around my ankles as I had been in mid-pee when the chunder train pulled into the station. So I am kneeling in my own vom and piss in one of the poshest restaurants in the UK, shouting for huey over my bag and coat sleeve.

To cap it all, when I had sprayed myself all over with perfume to mask the smell, I fell out of the restaurant like a stinking drunken twat, managing to find my way down in the lifts, and then vommed in the street while a pr lady held my hair back off my face. She even took me home while I sobbed in her taxi saying Im Sooo sorrrrrreeeee all the way home.

I am so classy.

11 comments:

Fat Sparrow said...

"I told a work colleague that if he stopped smoking and became a christian, I would do him for a tenner."

Brilliant. That is truly the stuff of legend.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Well you look attractive enough in the picture. But I disapprove of people getting drunk. If you want to make a fool of yourself, do it on a stage. At least you can pretend it was part of your act.

Simoney said...

I'm sure gorillas get drunk - I know chimps beg for beer at safari parks... It does not happen very often at all though...

fat sparrow - strangely, he turned down the offer.... and I would have paid him too...

OLD FART (TARF) said...

WELL, I HAVE HAD THOSE EXPERIENCES AS WELL, ONCE IN A WHILE IT DOSEN'T DO ANY HARM TO GO A LITTLE NUTS.

UP AT CAMP WE HAVE A METAL CART THAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE USED TO HAUL STUFF AROUND. IT IS USED MAINLY TO HAUL THOSE OF US WHO HAVE TROUBLE WITH GRAVITY BACK TO THEIR TRAILERS. WE CALL IT THE PADDY WAGON.

I PULLED MYSELF HOME IN THE WAGON APPARENTLY ONE EVENING OR SO I AM LED TO BELIEVE. AS I DO NOT REMEMBER MUCH ABOUT THE NIGHT IN QUESTION. IT MUST HAVE BEEN A REAL BENDER.

IN THE WORDS OF THE IRISH ROVERS. "WASN'T THAT A PARTY, MUST OF BEEN THE WHISKY COULD HAVE BEEN THE GIN OR 3 OR 4 SIX PACKS I DO NOT KNOW."

GORILLAS WOULD LIKE A BAHAMA MAMA. FRESH CRUSHED BANANA AND 6 OZS. OF RUM WITH ORANGE JUICE AND STRAWBERRYS. OLE,OLE,OLE.;

Fat Sparrow said...

"fat sparrow - strangely, he turned down the offer.... and I would have paid him too..."

Obviously he must not have been inclined toward people of the female persuasion.

Jim the Gringo said...

Sim,sim,sim. you are a classy lady indeed. and I didnt see any of this. Where was I while all this was going on? Stuck with a boring fund manager no doubt.

melanie said...

once i got drunk at a work function. it was a regional conference and our store was the only one that was obviously hammered. our store manager plied us all with alcohol and male coworkers kept buying me drinks. while we were out in the parking lot being given more booze by our boss, the waiters took away our food before we could eat it.
but the worst damage i think i did was when i pulled the sanitary napkin dispenser off the wall of my stall because i thought it was a container for more toilet paper that just. wouldn't. open.
it fell to the floor with a loud metallic clatter and all the other women in the bathroom were like "what was that???"
i tottered on my heels to the limo and slipped on the curb. i don't remember falling, just that at some point i realized i had one leg in the limo and one leg underneath the limo.
i crawled to a corner of the limo and sat quietly for the ride home.
but now i don't feel so bad about that. or the time i was so drunk that i had to crawl on hands and knees to lock my apartment door because i couldn't stand up.

Geoff said...

Crikey, if this is what happens in fund management circles nowadays, I wish I could have seen it.

Nocturnal said...

Life on the West End I assume, I'm sure they didn't notice you living large. The pints flow in a big way in that neck of the woods.

electro-kevin said...

That's the most enchanting story. Thank you soooo much :-)

Actually I could post my own vomit tale here but I think I'll save it for my own blog.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Nocturnal - Actually it was The City. Slap bang in the middle of Bank.

Geoff-how are you fella? Not heard from you for aeoons.

Melanie - that's a fantastic story and I wish I had pulled the sanitary dispenser off the wall as well, I feel cheated.

E_K... I look forward to reading your Vomit Story. See you on your blog!