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Thursday, October 25, 2007

Mermaid on the rampage

Mermaid and Major General Lobby the Lobster


The other night I was woken up by the sound of what I thought was a pair of drunks singing. It was about 5:30 but I was so soporific I could not actually wake myself up properly, but I remember feeling very afraid and vulnerable so I prayed about it. Usually I would have just called the Royal Guards of Oceana - the great lobster army, led by major-general Lobby the lobster (pictured, above) - to go and investigate, but I realised that Lobby lives in Canada.

The next morning I read that two men had been shot, one fatally, at the top of my road. My road is almost as famous as I am. Streatham is becoming dangerous and the Mermaid is at the end of her very patient tether.

When I first moved in, on the first week of my residence down that road, two robbers dressed as cleaners cleaned out the barclays bank at the top of the road. Given that it was my mum's bank, this was disturbing. Two months later, the road was cordoned off one evening following a "gun incident". Several months later there was a fatal stabbing after a domestic row, and now this double shooting.

Some people may say this is an unnatural coincidence, as they have heard of the mermaid's propensity for stapling things and stalking celebrities Mermaid is Healed! but I assure you, these events are all unrelated to me, and besides no-one knows about the disappearance of several postmen whom I have captured and forced to make endless supplies of staples to satiate my insane craving for them. Oh no, that is our little secret. Mua ha. Mua ha ha.

But now the mermaid is at the end of her tether. She has already started kick-boxing training at her local gym and is paying far too much attention to X-men films. I am worried about myself, that I might turn into an urban vigilante, haunting the streets of St. Reatham to hunt down and nullify threats to the safety and honour of our streets. Except I would be bad at this for several reasons:

1) I am fast with a staple gun, the fastest paper-clipper in the West. But a bullet is still faster
2) I couldn't kick-box my way out of a wet paper bag
3) If I were able to staple a felon to the ground, I'd be distracted too easily by anything cute and fluffy... "Hand over those stolen goods, you charlatan!"
"Look over there"
"Where?"
"There - I think it's a kitten"
"Awww... here, puss puss puss..... darn! He wouldn't have gotten away with it if it were not for you pesky cats...."

So there you have it. A frustrated wannabe vigilante. In addition to all my other problems of the heart. But be warned I WILL be watching my road. And if I hear any strange noises again, I will be ready and armed with my biggest, bad-ass stapler. Failing that, I shall simply throw Monty at them. He can be a bit of a demon...

Pounce

46 comments:

no more hoff said...

very disturbing to hear of your road, but very pleased you didnt post another hoff picture

Newmania said...

You may be mean with a stapler but I am a demon staple remover and if backed into a corner I send up a flurry of round bits from the bottom of a hole punch through which I flick ninja business cards.

Ha ...so you think you know the way of the stationery cupboard HA HA HA *stands with hands on hips*
You puny female , know noooothing me teach you learn... NOW MAKE BEAN STEW...YOU NO QUESTION ME FOOLISH WOMAN...... REMOVE STAPLE UNTIL FINGERS BLEED......yeees better.

The Hitch said...

there is a sign at the end of hitchs rd asking for witnesses toa shooting incident
and i live in w9 )+:

BEAST said...

You clearly need to have some some of nuclear staple related accident and develope super hero like stapling powers before you become a tortured super hero vigilante

brimstone&treacle said...

Generally speaking I think it a good idea to avoid areas where there is a lot of hot lead flying around. I live
in a market town in Hampshire and the local garage was held up at gunpoint 2 days ago (a shot was fired into the ceiling),so it is difficult to know where to retreat to if you do not want to live in the new Dodge City that is today's UK. Perhaps Brownsea Island would be a good choice.

Old Tarf said...

Major lobster has been busy here in Dartmouth. With robberies, stabings, arson and shootings. All in the past few weeks. It is all to sad. It dosen't seem to matter where one lives, Youth crime is on the rise and so many of these are drug related.

The first night we moved to dartmouth the police arrested 2 men in our back yard for drugs. We had 2 crack houses one on each corner of our street. With people smoking up with their pipes in our parking space outside of the home on Queen street.

This is supposed to be cold comfort but if you are fearfully I can understand. Call and we can talk about things . Do not make any hasty decisions.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Kick-boxing isn't very effective against gunmen. I would recommend placing high voltage booby traps outside your flat and wearing a bullet-proof bra. Yes, they exist.

Newmania said...

I pass three rerecent muder sights walking form the tube to my house , its about three quarters of a mile.

I will not miss it

john.g. said...

I must be lucky. The only guns in my village belong to the local farmers, and the 8 policemen who live here!

john.g. said...

BTW, you look sexy in that photo!!!

Dennis said...

It's a long shot (brown not black), but Monty might win fame and fortune here.

idle said...

Nice lobster. Ugly pussy.

Anonymous said...

it happens all over the place. stop taking it personally.

Newmania said...

Unfair idle the Pussy looks sweet .

Newmania said...

merm is that really you with the blow up sex animal ? You look all "nice"... You should have got one from the Islamic toy shop .

They blow themsleves up !

Bum Tssssssss I thenku

Nonny said...

That is quite disturbing but as long as they stay outside leave them to it. You could always throw the lobster at them I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t be expecting that.

Oh an the cat is gorgeous

Ed said...

First of all I would like to say that gun crime is DOWN under Labour! See Croydonian for details.

Secondly while this isn't much comfort to you Streatham has always been a bit dodgy. For the last few years it has presented itself as a bit "up n coming" but we know what that really means. New Cross is also up n coming - has been for decades!!

My area apparently has a rep for gun crime too but I have only been grazed by bullets a couple of times so it can't be as bad as people say.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Anonymous - Thanks, but the Hoff remains the only man who could ever love me. Not Geoff Ho (sorry mate), Not Geoff Hoon (He's a NuLab).

Newmania - Well I think your superpower could come in handy - perhaps we could be a vigilante dynamo - Captain HolePunch and Stapler Girl... stationery-based heroes should not fight each other. We might inflict serious paper cuts...


The Hitch - Sorry to hear that - have the police found the gun yet?

Beast - someone just nuked my coffee, does that count? Or is that just merely rage, rather than super human strength?

Brimstone - HAMPSHIRE? You're just NOT STREET ENOUGH. Me and Ed, we's down with our Homies...

Hey Old Tarf, thanks for the email and the comment. I'll call you sunday evening about 7 your time? Love ya!

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Gorilla - Kick-boxing isn't very effective against gunmen.

WHAAAAAT? You mean the Matrix was not a documentary????

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Thanks John G - I also look quite plump but I have lost a lot of weight since then... worrying about the gangland murders!

This morning there was a white hearse, covered in a purple pall, drawn by two dappled mares in purple mourning garb, the coffin inside was decked with the words: "Daddy". It was outside my neighbour's house. All this time I lived next door to the man who was shot, and never knew him...

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

PS - Newms and Nonny, thank you for your nice comments regarding Monty. He is lovely, and not ugly, as mean old Idle-Ho has suggested,

brimstone&treacle said...

We have plenty of STREETS in HAMPSHIRE, and amazing as it may seem
actual shops and houses. What's a homie?

mutleythedog said...

There is a village next to mine where they had no recorded crimes last year.. really its true.

idle said...

Merms, Hampshire has it's dark side. The untermenschen of Pompey, for example, the less salubrious parts (ie most) of Southampton. Romsey is full of folk who, frankly, don't know the difference between an amuse-bouche and a savoury.

Peterfield is reliable, mind. They shoot cats there.

idle said...

PeterSfield, too.

Old Tarf said...

Mutley- You wrote." Village next to mine. No crime there last year"

The reason is obvious. You live in the other village!

MM-will be in waiting for your call.

Hey check out this website everyone. Monty's Auntie is singing a lament because of sparkie.
http://web.mac.com/ginnygirard/iWeb/Site/Sparkie.htmlsparkie.html

Old Tarf said...

ignore the last sparkie after the html.

Hercules said...

Is that a picture of you mermaid???

brimstone said...

Idle, you're right about the dark side of Romsey. They vote Libdem.

The Hitch said...

Baby Monty

http://youtube.com/watch?v=geG_wDBst8c

The Hitch said...

sorry to say it
but Momty is a feline Mick Hucknall.
you also appear to be naked in the reflection in his eyes

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

hitch! You need to clean up your imagination - or else wipe the smudge off your monocle, sir! But thanks for the youtube link... he hehe - it is good to have you up and blogging again. Trust all is well in hitch-land?

Newmania said...

Idle , I warned you , always treat the pussy well, and life she weeel be happy

Newmania said...

you also appear to be naked in the reflection in his eyes

Oh yeah I v` been squinting for twenty minutes now and I just had it for a demi second ....concerntrate newms ...got ....all ....night ....

Old Tarf said...

More young men to dangle over the edge of a balcony!!!

Lady Jane said...

MM - you're gorgeous! (and I mean that in a non-lesbo way - obviously). Monty, however, is no match to my Willow.. but lovely just the same.

The Hitch said...

Merms
He is a sinister looking cat, surely even you can see that?
The ginger goatee doent help.
No doubt he runs the local feline protection racket, a prawn or two once a week and he promises not to spray your garden.
One of my mothers cats is the local feline thug, she is sleek and beautiful but deadly ( a little like me)No other cat dare enter her garden or adjoining ones.

jakesprogress said...

Sleek?

Old Tarf said...

Monty is a beautiful cat. As my only Grandkitty; I am of course rather protective and proud of him.

I need a life!! It's 5 o'clock somewhere and I am off to the pub.

He even looks like me, a lot of whiskers esp. in the morning. The glassy eyes as well.

Metody Jankowiak said...

Cat is all wery good, but wery little meat is to be found. I get you pig! Pig is wery proud animal.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

newms and hitch - interesting - I am not sure I took the photo...

Hitch - yes, he does have a ginger goatee. In that pic he is chasing Mousy the Mouse so will look rather sinister.

Old Tarf - thanks for sticking up for your grandkitty!

Metody - I'd rather like a pet pig. Where can you get pet pigs these days? are pigs the same as boyfriends? MEOW!

Metody Jankowiak said...

Pigs have the twisted penis, which is to stop lady pig running away. This is not usual with man. If man puts penis in lady and lady run away this is bad sign, and man has to burn duvet and clothes and move to new town.
I get you pig. You want alive or dead? Dead is more expensive.

electro-kevin said...

I was brought up in Mitcham.

Streatham was quite close and was our nearest swimming baths. It's been dodgy since I can remember but I used to hang out there quite a bit catching the 118 bus regularly Saturday morning pictures and such like. Fantastic place for Elvis impersonators and prostitutes if I recall.

Verge said...

EK - "catching the 118 bus regularly"

Is that a Sarf Lunnun euphemism for something that makes you itch?

electro-kevin said...

Right dodgy place actually.

My school was near Streatham Vale - we had 4 of our pupils convicted of 4 separate murders in the time that I was there. Teachers regularly beaten up, anarchy in lessons. I got most of my 'O' and 'A' levels at night school and by correspondence in the years after I'd left having found my education woefully lacking.

Mitcham now has a sign post on which it has been graffitied "Twinned with Lagos"

I can just see the Chavettes right now pushing their baby buggies one saying to the other "Here, Shar - looks like I'm gettin' me new ipod after all. We're bein' twinned wiv Argos !"

Fucking shithole - a place I'd rather forget.

-eve- said...

I agree with John, great pic! (didn't know it was you but you confirmed it). Very sexy :-D