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Tuesday, November 06, 2007

A poo story

At the risk of being labelled a public school product, which of course I am, I have to confess I do enjoy the odd poo story.

This is not exactly about poo, but I hope you enjoy it.

Last weekend, I went to visit Paddy's Mum and we spent an enjoyable weekend chillin' and chatting as women do. Saturday evening we went to the West Yorkshire Playhouse in Leeds to watch a comic rendition/stage adaptation of Noel Coward's film Brief Encounter.

Great film by the way, I advise you to watch it and try to understand what Celia Johnston has actually said in that fast and clipped English voice of hers.

So it's the interval, and we're being jostled by several coach-loads of upper-class Saga tourists. A young man pushes past us: "Father! Father!". It was like being stuck at Twickenham.

We went to the ladies. Clare dived in first, I found an empty cubicle at the end of the room. Plenty of posh twittering outside the doors by the sinks. I'd already flushed and was ready to leave.... when the Evil Thought arose.

Something I used to do to Clare many many years ago but have not done for several years...

I stayed in the cubicle and started to groan.

"FFFFNNNNNNYYYYEEEEEEEARGH"

the room went a little quieter, enough for me to hear clare start to laugh. She was evidently by the sinks.

A little louder: "GGGGRRRRAH! AAAAAARGGGGGGHHHH AAARRRRGGH"

By now, clare was laughing aloud and was at the hand-dryer, which was just outside my cubicle.

I prepared myself for the grand finale.


"GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH AAAAAARRRGH AAAAAARGH NOOOOOOO FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATHER! ARGH! OH. AH. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh."

I flushed quickly and came out, giving a really hard stare at the cubicle next to me, and looking shocked. The genteel ladies by the sink raised their eyebrows. Clare and I were laughing. I nodded my head in the general direction of the next cubicle, shook it in mock horror and left, just in time to see this behatted, unwitting old dame exit aforementioned cubicle to be met by a host of stony glares.

I've never laughed so much in public in my life.

The aftermath

29 comments:

alucard said...

And then the old gal, suffering desperate pangs of humiliation, shuffled out to the crowded foyer, keeled over, and died of a broken heart. I hope you're proud of yourself.

Anonymous said...

Mermaid you are cruel but you forgot the fart noise accompaniment

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

HA! I should have remembered that one - that would have been awesome.

Backwards dracula - si, perhaps that did happen. But all the same it was hilarious.

alucard said...

I'm not backward, I'm just reflectively challenged.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Ha! top riposte sir Alucard!

john.g. said...

ROFLMFAO!!!! You COW!! Brilliant!

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

OH John G! If only I understood text speak - I think it means you were laughing? I am glad... my ribs are still sore from all that ribaldry on saturday too...

electro-kevin said...

English people generally do have toilet humour so you're not unusual there.

It was only last year that I let of a stink bomb in the mess room at Exeter. I'm still very juvenile when it comes to that sort of thing.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Constipation is no laughing matter. I would approved of your actions if after leaving your cubicle you had looked one of the posh women in the eye and said solemnly:

"This is what happens if you forget to eat your Bran Flakes."

EmmaK said...

God, that is such a brilliant idea. And they say blogging is totally mindless mind wankery! once again the mermaid has proved them wrong.

The Hitch said...

You know Merms
A woman should keep somethings to herself.
Copious Puking and crapping arent on most mens list of must have qualities in a woman.

Johnny Huxley said...

Oooooohhh! Very good.

Old Tarf said...

Like father; like daughter. The apple does not fall far from the toilet.

john.g. said...

Rolling On Floor Laughing My F*cking Arse Off !

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

EK - I do not approve of public smells, although I applaud that you have come out of the closet to admit that you are a porcelain bomber.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Gorilla... maybe next time - but I do not think there will be a next time. The merms was for one night only.

Emma - thank you, I think. sometimes you have to lower the tone to lighten it a bit. I was thinking about a rant over the price of oil and inflation. It was that or the toilet gag.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Hitch! I would NEVER discuss my own stoolage with any man! But regardless of my own delicacy in this matter - well assumed delicacy then, I assure you of two things:

1) regardless of whether or not I am ladylike, gentle and sweet, or myself with all my flaws, I am not able to encourage a man to completely fall head over heels for me. One look at the staplers and they start running.

2) I was not dropping the kids off at the pool! I was merely pretending that there was some fecal blockage through judicious application of voice strains and grunts.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Old Tarf - I believe that Grandma would have loved to have been there to see that. Sure that would have been a highlight for her!

Johnny - thank you, although it does not match your karmic-inducing jinks with the bike lock the other week.

nonny said...

Ah haaa, I love it, the poor old dear. You should have done it to Clare althought she might have killed you.

Jon M said...

Erm...doesn't everyone make that noise on the throne? no? oh...sorry.

Newmania said...

This might have been good if you had emerged with VIBRATOR buzzing like a chainsaw Merm....in fact I suspect this is what really happened

I didn`t know you went to Public school by the way...I envy the teachers .

I like the phrase " Nip off a loaf" and "Showing the tortoises head" is good for desperation.

Cheerio

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

nonny - I know, it was mean, but the old dear was mightily oblivious to the whole episode, thankfully.


Jon M. I certainly don't make such uncouth noises down the porcelain telephone. I'm a Laydeeeeee

Newmania - utterly disgraceful fella! Such electronic devices have no place in my house, and certainly would not be used in public conveniences in west yorkshire!

love the epithets however, muchly appreciated.

mutleythedog said...

If you had done the same trick in the gents no one would have noticed...

The Hitch said...

Mutley
I think Merms should do as you and I do, find a nice chap to follow her about with a plastic bag.
Avoids on the spot fines and social disgrace.

electro-kevin said...

I like Mermaid's earthy humour and I bet she knows the rules of propriety in real life.

Mermaid, darlin'. You can't leave your wonderful blog like this for much longer. Every time I visit A Poo Story headlining it. It deserves better.

;-)

Anonymous said...

.......it deserves better an shit.

Daisy said...

oh mermaid...you cracked me up this morning...how funny...and the perfect place to pull it off...well done!

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Thank you Daisy! Glad I amused someone with my post - Mutley has been berating me for my lack of postage recently. Well, Streatham Post Office is on strike!

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Oh, sorry - that was EK... Sorry Mutley....