Here comes the Bride, looking like she's cried

50 Things I have started to worry about as I head precipitate towards our wedding day.

1. People will take delight in informing me that they are hungry and ask ‘when is the dinner’
2. People will delay the timings at the venue by being late or slow
3. The few hardcore drinkers will use up all the free drinks tab and those who don’t drink will have to pay for their own cokes
4. The table settings will look stupid
5. The decorations will fall down during the meal
6. Someone will break something that I will have to pay for
7. The wedding car will get caught in traffic
8. The wedding dress will get caught in the door
9. The wedding dress will get smeared in poo. I do poo regularly throughout the day. What if I can’t hoist it up properly and end up getting poo on it?
10. My parents will argue with each other
11. My parents will contain their arguments with each other but tell me all about it instead
12. My bridesmaids will argue with each other
13. My bridesmaids will contain their arguments but tell me all about it instead and make me come to the toilet with them, during which I will poo on my skirt
14. Someone with children will ask me why I am not letting them stay for the evening when other people with children are staying for the evening
15. Someone’s child will put poo on my skirt
16. Someone’s child will argue about who will put poo on my skirt
17. Someone will get burned by the fireworks
18. Someone I don’t like much will not get burned by the fireworks
19. People I don’t know will tell me information I don’t need to know
20. People will offer me tips about the wedding night or make obscene comments
21. People will wonder why there are no speeches (see the above)
22. I will have a plethora of calls during the morning from people asking stupid questions of the bride: “What time does it start?” “What colour are the bridesmaids wearing?” “Will it matter if I turn up late?” “Will there be a gluten-free option?” “Have you got so-and-so’s telephone number?”.
23. I will have spots on my chest from stress
24. I won’t have time to do my hair
25. The decorations will go all wrong because I am not there to supervise
26. I will hate my dress on the day
27. Only my side of the church will be singing the hymns
28. The preacher will ramble on and make the same point 100 times as usual
29. I will need a wee
30. I WILL need a wee. This is not a fear. This is fact. I have to go every hour.
31. Despite all the decorations, bouquets, flower arrangements, cards, order of services etc being my designs, my creations and my time-agonising craftwork, I will get none of the praise and all of the criticism: ‘if only it had been taller/smaller/wider/more colourful, or ‘you should have, you could have done, I would have done, I did’.
32. People will try to pin money on my dress. This will only NOT be a bad thing if there is a poo smear on it, because the money will cover it up
33. Someone will gatecrash
34. Someone will get lost and ring me for directions
35. The best man will decide he does want to do an impromptu speech. At the last minute.
36. I will fart during the vows
37. The photographer will charge extra time for people being SLOW or the preacher going on and on and Ariston
38. The photos will come out looking shocking, what on EARTH is that on my dress?
39. A million people will tag a million photos of me unauthorised on facebook
40. Someone will complain about the DJ
41. The DJ will complain about other people
42. The best man will forget to pay the rest of the DJ’s money
43. The DJ will complain about the best man
44. The Best Man will fight with the DJ
45. My father will dangle the Best Man over the balcony
46. The reception will mess up the cake stand
47. The reception will lose the pre-ordered bespoke cupcakes
48. A child will lick all the bespoke cupcakes
49. Bespoke cupcake stains will get smeared on my dress
50. A stray crow will fly into the building, causing mayhem and destruction and smearing my dress with guano, before plucking out the eyes of a small child who should have been sitting down on the kid’s table but, no, mummy got too precious and decided that little sonny/little bonny had to come and sit with them, which means the person next to them will have had a small foot kicking them over and over and over during the wedding breakfast, until of course the rabid crow comes and de-ocularises the brat.