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Thursday, July 26, 2007

Severus Snape and the demise of Alan Rickman



I never read the sixth Harry Potter novel.

Sorry, let me start from the beginning.

I have only read one HP novel - The Order of the Phoenix, in 2003. This was because it was a freebie from one of my contacts and I had nothing to do that halcyon summer except read it to my best friend while sunning ourselves in Canada. And quite frankly, JKR's writing style sucked. She used repetitive descriptions and basic syntax. Her structure was incomplete as she endeavoured to weave various fragments together. But anyway.

I have, however, seen all the films and am coming to the very startling conclusion that I am in love with Alan Rickman as Severus Snape. I am in love with Professor Snape.

I am surely not the only one - I believe Catty also loves him. Now this started to present a problem for me when the last book came out, exactly a week ago (Hong Kong time).

The problem was, I knew that he violated Prof Dumbledore with his wand in the sixth book. Now I was supposed to care about this, I know that. Dumbledore is good, Snape is bad. Snape belongs to MouldyWarp the Mole. Or is it Voldemort? Whatever. Snape is on the Dark Side.

Dilemma:

a) Dumblebore is dull
2) Alan Rickman is Snape
c) 2) should have been b)
d) Snape is sexy
e) So is Ralph Fiennes, who plays Voldemort
f) Voldemort is not attractive
g) Therefore e) and f) are irrelevant to the argument
h) Dumblebutt is good
i) Snape is evil

I am sure by now you are all either in total agreement with me, or completely confused.

So, to help clear up my traumatised heart, I had, in my stupidity, bought the last novel last Monday. It cost me £10. That, for my Canadian cousins, is what books should cost. Not CAN$45:00 + Tax. In Canada, the same book in hardback costs, with taxes, CAN$49:50. Which would be about £24. I paid the equivalent of CAN$22:00 by getting it in England. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Not so proud of living in the second biggest country on Earth now, are we?

Books are so expensive in Canada. This is because it's the second largest country on earth, rendering distribution expensive, but it has a low population density of just 34,000,000 people. Suppose the fraction of Canadians buying HP and the Ring of Utter Crassdom type of novels is one-eighth of the population (the entire under-18 demographic), it is still economically unviable to transport those copies to stores across the Land of the Beaver and charge less than $45:00 per book. Canadians would be best served by driving down to the States and picking up their books there, along with a bottle of booze, purchased at the border.

I digress.

Severus Snape: Evil, or playing a deadly double-agent role? Given JK Rowling's literary prowess at developing the subtle genre of subterfuge (ie, none), I feared that Snape would not prove to be good in the end. I really wanted him to be good. I knew that I would hate Harry Potter for the rest of my life if he or one of his boring friends knocked off the best character in the books. I may end up stalking Daniel Radcliffe or send him threatening letters with used staples inside.

So I bought the book and, in my hunger for knowledge and power to take over the world, I skimmed the first few pages at lunch on Monday, and read that he was talking nicely-nicely with Wimpleport.

All day, I was thinking: "What if Snape is evil? What will I do? What can I do? What can any decent girl do? I wonder what he wears under his robes?"

That evening, and any moment I could snatch on Tuesday, witnessed me finishing the entire novel - ah, be still, my poor, beating heart...

(slow readers who've not finished the book please turn away now)


You see, I knew in my heart that he could not have been evil. And he isn't! I knew it! My greasy-locked, shampoo-phobic, stinky, self-sacrificing dreamboat is "The bravest man that I ever knew" according to Harry Potter. Severus is a hero! And I love him!

So... I thought... Maybe someone had Alan Rickman's address? Maybe I could stalk him for kicks? Maybe in life he could be a slightly cleaner version of Snape? Maybe I could sneak up on him, drug him with chloroform or rehypnol, drag him back to my studio flat, staple him to the floor and make him mine. ALL MINE... mua ha ha ha ha ha. Well, let's face it, I've tried normal ways to attract men and they've failed.

And then I found this.




Oh oh oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm sure he looked buff in Robin Hood. WHAT IS WITH THE TOUPEE? WHERE DID THAT COME FROM? Did a piece of gingery minge just land on his head after being blown off a German tourist who leant too far over the Tower of London? Has Alan Rickman been attacked by a leprous Tribble? He has seemingly gone from being GQ mag's Buff Thinking Woman's Man in 1991 to a pissed-up retirement home janitor.


Bring back Snape. Please Alan, for the love of Merlin's underpants, I beg you, ditch the neon flange bestriding your noble temples. Eschew the comfy loafers and crumpled 'chinos for a mysterious cape. And make sure your wand is in good working order when you perform some magic for me.

39 comments:

Nocturnal said...

Your not kidding, he looks so cool in the pics I've seen of him in HP.

Cheers

Gorilla Bananas said...

Is that really a wig? It looks like a two-shade hairstyle to me. This fellow Rickman has quite a few admiring bloggerinas: Daphne Wayne-Bough, Sam (problem-child-bride), Fatmammycat, you. I hear you can buy nude pictures of him on e-bay.

john.g. said...

I thought Russia was a tad bigger than Canada, but I could be wrong.

Alan Rickman rocks, but I don't love him!

PandaCat said...

I dont love Alan Rickman. I am pandacat. He is not.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

GB: There's just something about a tall, dark, brooding man in a cape. You're right though, it is a two-tone. Nice.

John G- Russia is bigger than Canada, which is why C is the 2nd largest (China is fourth, then Brazil, then the US). I am very dull and know this rubbish.

Nocturnal: There really should be some spin-off HP novels such as Severus Snape and the Potion of Love. I'd read that.

Oscar: I understand, you are a panda-cat and don't care much for gingers. But your cousin Monty is a Ginger and you like him...

Anonymous said...

I cant believe you want to marry Snape. He never washes his hair. That is gross.

phyllis said...

So, you love wizards? I went out with a witch once, we were driving along the motorway, when she put her hand on my leg and I turned into a layby

Anonymous said...

Ps Simoney you can't marry Alan Rickman he's older than your dad

Old Tarf said...

It's so sad; that the object of your affection has to play with his little wand and drink potions all day. He doesn't even know you exist.

I guess he would never have bad hair day. It seems, He is a little lacking in that area. I do have a tin of black spray paint he can borrow to hide the shine. I have a magic comb you could send him. He would never "PART' with it.

BEAST said...

Mermaid old thing , I totally agree with you on old J k's writing style . What is this facination with Alan Rickman , I have always found him a bit annoying and hammy (especially in Die hard with the sainted Bruce). Nicolas cage's hair is a really annoying as well (always looks like it belongs to someone else).
And dont get me started on Gwyneth Paltrow.........
****Beast shambles off muttering and twitching***

mutleythedog said...

I think he is wearing a wig in the movies and that two toner a bit like a ginger Jungle Jane is natural. JK writes rubbish and the plot in the latest leaves a lot to be desired as well....

Fatman said...

I had no opinion at all of Harry Potter until I saw the films. It was like skateboarding (in my childhood), hacky sacks (when I got to uni) and marriage (present day)- everyone else seemed to be getting into it while I languished behind.

I actually really enjoyed the films. Which was a surprise because I had to be pistol-whipped and dragged into an unmarked van that took me to the cinema the first time, so convinced was I that it was going to be utter shite.

Despite not understanding what the Hell is going on in later films (you have to read the books now to understand what the f-ck is going on in the movies. No thanks), I do enjoy Rickman in it. To me, he's like Gary Oldman. I never expect him to rock up in a film but am usually happy when he's in it.

Having said that, Alan Rickman sucked balls in Judas Kiss. What a horrible attempt at an American accent.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Fatman:

GARY OLDMAN!!! NOW YOU'RE TALKING! Now I would definitely take him for a tenner. He looks good in reality as well as on film. Thank you for making me realise there is life after Snape.

Mutley: You're right, it definitely is a two-tone. Which is plain, plain wrong. The plot was great in the latest until dumbledork popped up again. What a kiddy fiddler.

Beast: I thought I was the only one who found Nicholas Cage's style a little dull. I preferred his hair in Ghost Rider, when his head was on fire. Sadly, I have not seen any DIE HARD movie. Does that mean I've not lived?

Tarf: I think the neon flange atop Mr Rickman's cranium is beyond a comb. I think blowtorch is more appropriate at this stage.

Mental Mac said...

Not seen the Die hard movies - OMG. He plays suitably evil, snarling heart throb.

Definitly worth watch.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Hello Mental Mac. Nice to meet you.

Die Hard - Really? I adore evil snarling heart throbs. Why are all the heart-throbs in the world evil and snarling? sigh.

mutleythedog said...

I just realised he looks a bit like Tim Brooke-Taylor in the second picture...

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

Never seen any of them or read any of them.

Alan Rickman's best role was in the first Die Hard, Gary Oldman is a more versatile actor in my opinion.
The Die Hard films are excellent, like the Lethal Weapon films, they just don't make them like that any more.

Rickman has had a tendancy to get typecast.

The Hitch said...

You just like brooding bad boys , men who keep you on your toes and play you.
How do you feel about the sort of chap who enjoys nothing more than pillaging monasterys and castles before carrying off flaxen haired maidens in his long boat?

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Mutley - I'll bypass that, for despite the bi-tonal barnet, Alan Rickman should in no way be associated with someone who appeared in The Goodies and a show called Assaulted Nuts.

The Hitch - Wow! A real man! I'd be more than delighted to join you in your pillaging. I do speak a little Old Norse and Anglo Saxon too...

Crushed...
Oldman in Vampire or Rickman in Die Hard... Which one would win in a fight?

Old Tarf said...

It's time to move on and have a drink.

That's what I am going to do and wish Helen a happy sixty for you as well.

I really hate the "Sound of Music" that film and all its copies should be put to the torch. Just to change the subject.

idle said...

Delighted to find your blog via Hitch. Best thing to come out of his site in months.

This toupe was borrowed from "Sir" Paul McCartney on the day the photo was taken. It also has a full brother living on Donald Trump's head.

melanie said...

i am glad that i'm not famous so that pictures of me having bad hair days or bad face days or bad clothes days or bad attitude days do not end up on the internets or in the press and then people i don't know but who may have fancied me in improper ways will suddenly say "o noes whatever happened to melanie i thought she was totally hot but she has horribly frizzy hair and crows feet after all! why couldn't someone airbrush that out so i would not have to look at it?"

also, closetland is still my favorite alan rickman role. even though it had madeleine stowe in it.
but i don't fancy him much. my favorite delectably evil possibly twisted in real life actor is dr kevin spacey.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Old Tarf - what in the name of Merlin's underpants are you doing desecrating my blog with the mere mention of the Sound of Music? Now I want to kill myself. Misery. Give my love to la Belle Helen and don't feed John Guinness, for the love of Macbeth.

Melanie - I hear what you're saying, and I would agree, except... except... the reality is so different from the fantasy. Gothic black hair and long robes versus Scottish Dairy Farmer. Kevin Spacey, eh? I don't think either you or I are quite his cup of tea. In any case he gives me the creeps. The fuzz should check his computer hard-drive.

Idle - I am worried that you know so much about older male celebrity hair. I advise that you switch from the Spectator to Heat. You'll find it enlightening and be relieved that there are men around with their own hair, naturally coloured.

BEAST said...

NEVER SEEN A DIE HARD MOVIE !!!!!
Bruce Willis is a GOD.
For heavens sake get yaself to a video rental outlet and rectify this outrage immediatley. Die Hard 1 or 3 (2 is shite).If you get Die Hard 1 you can lick the screen during the Alan Rickman scenes , The Beast will allow you that priveledge.

Oldman is a bit hammy as well , he seems to play the same part in EVERY film

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Bruce Willis lost out to Ashton Kutchner... you tellin me he's still the man? Mind you, I really hate Kutchner, the big girl's blouse. I'd like to staple him to a pinata and watch him get hit by sticks.

The Hitch said...

I find all film "hard men" laughable.
How the F*** anybody can take mono browed thetan bothering midget tom(thumb) cruise is beyond me.

john Travolta, another knob jockey.

Arnie, teeny cocked steroid queen.

Vin Diesel , soooooooo gay

What ever happened to real men like clarke gable or jimmy stuart?

EmmaK said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
EmmaK said...

I'm afraid all the bits about the Potter novel confused me...but yes, Alan Rickman is v sexy. All I could find out is that
Rickman still lives in his native London (“I’m in many places, depending on filming, but that’s where I keep my underwear”).

If you ever do find his house, and climb in through the window and get your hands on some of his knickers please post your booty up on this blog!

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Wow... Emma K... you've given me a really good idea. I might steal two lots of his pants and post one to you if you give me his address. I know he lives with an MP, and her address is on the House of Commons website, and therefore... I KNOW WHERE HE LIVES ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Oh shit!!! I am a stalker. I am turning into Glen Close. Forgive me.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

PS - Hitch...
Clarke Gable, No.

Cary Grant - UBER SWOON. And Peter O'Toole... I would still do him now for a £10. I would of course pay him. His weepy old man eyes are blue yet...

The Hitch said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mermaid of Moorgate said...

WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP DELETING THEIR COMMENTS??? I know where you live....

Lilith said...

Clarke Gable was famous for his halitosis. Cary Grant, Jimmy Stewart, Robert Mitchum Phwoarr....

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

oooh... Robert Mitchum - that chin... they just don't make them like that any more.

Anonymous said...

Alan Rickman is possibly the most gorgeous thing I have ever seen in my life. I have long been unnaturally obsessed with him, something for which I was relentlessly mocked by my friends when I was 15 and I fell in with love with him as the Sheriff of Nottingham in Robin Hood. I'm now 31 and my crush remains absurdly undiminished. I also loved Snape before Rickman was ever cast in the films, so the combination of the two was roughly akin to all my Christmases coming at once.

Anyway: the dodgy picture. It's not a wig, it's just that his hair's been dyed and it's growing out. His natural colour is apparently a sort of sandy grey colour. It looks appalling, I agree; however, in his defence, I think the original dye-job was for a film role...

Anonymous said...

For the record...

Rima Horton (Snape's RL girlfriend) lives in a different house in London - Chelsea way. Rickman has a house near Hammersmith train station. They aren't married, but have apparently been a couple for near 40 years, so stealing his underwear probably won't make her your best friend! ; )

Anonymous said...

I am in love with Alan Rickman and Severus Snape (and with other of his characters...); for me, Alan Rickman is a poetry in motion, no matter if he looks younger or older, darker or lighter, tired or relaxed, with black or white hair etc etc etc. When playing, he is never the same, he is chameleonic, but... well... Alan Rickman IS Snape, Christopher Branon, Mesmer, judge Turpin etc, all together.

Anonymous said...

I'm sure you know that ators regularly dye their hair for certain roles, that pic was taken shortly after Love Actually was filmed. And true sexy never gets old.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

True sexy never gets old... ah yes, I agree. That is a good phrase!