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Wednesday, August 01, 2007

To stalk, or not to stalk?

I have found that I, Mrs Nice, have turned into a psychopathic, stapler-wielding stalker girl. Not that I've actually followed someone. Oh, I did, last Thursday. Okay. I am officially a loon. Lock up your chest of drawers and hide your laundry basket! Keep your cat in at night and never leave a saucepan, a rabbit and a packet of OXO together in the same vicinity. Mermaid is a stalker and she may be able to see your house from her van.

I realised this fact about 1/2 an hour ago, which is roughly five years after the rest of the world accepted the fact I was a serial werido with a penchant for jokes about poo and a frightening story about knives that I use to scare off drunk City boys who try to chat me up on the tube.

By the way, if you want to borrow the UBER-FREAK story to scare off unwanted admirers, it goes like this.

Keep your eyes fixed firmly on the victim's jugular, head slightly tilted and a sinister voice like Mr Burns, accompanying the words: "Do you like knives? I like knives... I have a whole collection under my bed... The smallest one is called Christina after a friend I had called Christina."

Suddenly, look up from their neck, stare them in the eyes without blinking, and say: "SHE GOT STABBED".

If they are still remaining in close proximity to you, start gazing at their parting and continue: "I have a very big knife too. It's called Ben, after a tall friend I had. HE GOT STABBED TOOOOOO."

I used it once on a fund manager I was having lunch with. He did not want to divulge any details about a company merger and I really needed the story. What's the point of taking a journo to lunch if you don't dish the dirt? So I told the story to him, while the PR I was with silently pissed himself and the manager - the honest truth - backed his chair up so far away from me that he hit the wall behind him and was still trying to back away even though he could not get anywhere. His little legs were desperately working away at the marble floor, trying to propel him into safety. Aw, bless. He's a very good friend of mine now, is Aidan.

I even have a knife named after him.

I've digressed. No I DON'T have a massive knife collection under my bed. I don't have a knife collection at all. Yes, Christina, Ben and Aidan are all still very much alive and living a long, long way away from me.

But back to stalking. On a level from 1-10, with 1 sounding like the "knife" sound from Hitchcock's Psycho, and 10 sounding like the theme tune to Jaws, here are the reasons why I think I am a stalker:

1) I have actually found out where Alan Rickman lives

2) I thought about standing outside his house and "accidentally" bumping into him

3) I would staple a man to my floor to prevent another one getting away.

4) I have followed a man off the train. Okay, now this sounds worse than it is. He was young, handsome and kept smiling at me all the way on the train journey. I was interested. He was also interested. Given that he had 10 mins to speak to me, I was pretty miffed when he got off one stop before mine, opened his mouth to speak, and then left the carriage. I mean, I don't LOOK scary and I'd not mentioned the word "Knife" or "stapler" or "Severus Snape" once. WHY are men such cowards? In the US and Canada, they're really forthright and will approach a girl regardless of the consequences. In England, they just tremble their lips slightly like Hugh Grant in one of his ground-breaking, Oscar-award-winning psychological foreign film noir roles, and run away. Some have been known to say "Hem". What is with men in their 30s? Get a life. Anyway so he started to get off, and I thought, well, give him another chance. I got off too. I know the area really well and I needed to use the big Sainsbury's anyway. I've not done that before. No it was not successful. The ginger-haired twat.

5) I keep the telephone numbers of ex boyfriends. I never use them, but I keep them. you never know.

6) I dream about Alan Rickman, Gary Oldman and, lately, Jeremy Paxman. Oh yes.

7) Getting married seems increasingly like a dumb idea to me. I might just become a mistress. Men don't want to get married anyway, and if do, they're only going to be like the ones I end up with all the time and expect me to pat them on the back and whoop like a cheerleader every time they fart. Even if my farts are better.

8) I would definitely approach a nice-looking guy in a bar and ask for his number. For you, this might not be a crazy thing to do. For me, this is a sea-change in the way I approach my potential conquests. I usually run away and hide.

9) I'm starting to think violence is the answer to most of my problems. I've started to listen to all my old 1980's heavy metal albums for the first time in 15 years.

10) I have not eaten a bar of chocolate for four weeks, being fixated instead on fantasies. When a woman eschews chocolate as a form of stress-relief, the world should be very worried.

So... I think I am a stalker. I am sorry, all of you. Forgive me.

But I am also thinking - is this really such a bad thing? I'm sure Alan would love some hair clippings. Which do you think he would like most? They're from head, armpits and elsewhere.


EmmaK said...

Wow, it's great to find a girl who is almost as daft as I am. Regarding point 4) I don't see why you didn't chat him up on the train. I once, while drunk 'chatted up' a hot guy on the tube, with the line "Are you a homosexual?" To which he replied, "No, are you drunk?" We took it from there. He actually took me back to his place for a cup of tea and we briefly dated. He was jewish, maybe he was just a nice jewish guy trying to help out a fruitcake.

Regarding stalking Alan Rickman, yes, please do it. How about having your car break down outside his house? Ring doorbell say your mobile is not working can you call the AA to pick up your car? He let's you in the house, you seduce the rogue, the rest is history. Can't wait to read about it on your blog.

oh gosh I've got to link you, please return favor?

Gorilla Bananas said...

I'm not trying to flatter you here, but some men are quite intimidated by pretty girls, thinking "she's out of my league" etc. So all this warrior queen stuff may not be the answer. Try making yourself a bit more vulnerable. It works for female apes, anyway.

john.g. said...

I now know that you are bonkers enough to be officially allowed to stalk me! Just leave the knife at home.

The Hitch said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Hitch said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Hitch said...

I deleted all my other repsonses that reflected your feelings from a male point of view.
The problem you have Is "desperation"
Like women we can smell it a mile away and don't like it.
For £50 a month the Hitch will teach you how to find the man of your dreams

Nocturnal said...

You would be a stalker anywhere in London sporting a knife minus the Whitechapel District of course... you'd be normal there.

Good ol' Jack.


Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Hitch! I don't think you understand. If I were desperate, I'd pay someone £50 a month to sort out my problems. But I'm not desperate, just violent and looking for an outlet. Who needs men when you have Ann Summers?

Nocturnal... never been around there, but I think women should definitely have carried knives as protection

EmmaK - will deffo link to you! Have found another warped mind and am very pleased. But chatting someone up on a train? Hmmm. That's a very big step for me.

Gorilla. Thank you - I think. I have tried to be vulnerable. It happened last night in woolworth's. But that's a blog for Friday. Vulnerable did not work.

JohnG, just let me know when you're at the pub, and your entire Bryan Adams collection is mine, all MINE.

Anonymous said...

please tell me that that is not really your hair in the picture that would be really gross.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

I think it looks lovely and soft actually. Very strokable. Rickman should be honoured. And maybe Paxo too. He's next on the hitlist.

The Hitch said...

Ms Moorgate
As I enjoy carefuly delivered pain?????

Anon 11:47 am
let me guess , you are a 14 year old girl ?
A 75 year old male virgin?
Any normal man would love to wake up to that hair in the morning, smell it , run his fingers through it , nuzzle the neck it covers , lick that neck , kiss those eyes , stroke her tummy and then rub her down with glass cleaner and a J cloth before making intense sweaty angry love to her.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Hitch - were you deliberately trying to be anonymous or do you want me to hunt you down?

1) Neither of the above. Although in Canada, a female shop assistant thought I was 19. That's quite a few years younger than I actually am.

2) Any normal man? That's cat hair. you stalker freak!

The Hitch said...

Minx of moorgate I was refering to the anonomong who insulted you.

As to being hunted down I have been hunted down by tougher nuts than you.You may have read about it in Private eye magazine.
I think that was my Warhol 15 minutes of fame .

The Hitch said...

Shit Im slow

I thought anonomongs was referring to the photo of yourself and your hair , not those merkins above.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Ha Ha Ha... hitch, you are forgiven for your efforts in coming to my defence. Thank you.

Private Eye, eh? What story was that? My old paper had a mention in the "neophiliacs" column for saying Multi-manager was the new black. How we laughed at the time. How sad.

On that note, why do people go "anonymous" when they can just make up a name anyway? It smacks of indecency. It's just not British, dammit.

The Hitch said...

guido blog
then click the peter hitchens link (for it was he) I am the chap who was in his boxers on the telephone when the man himself cycled up my path to have a few words.

The Hitch said...

Minx that link is is only part one of the story. if you go to guidos blog you can read the full details of part two when The Hitch was stalked by peter hitchens.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Wow! Fame at last... now I know why you are a little unnerved by weird stalker people.

The Hitch said...

The problem was he had a genuine stalker and thought it might be me.
His real stalker is known to a poster on my site , she fixated on him as well. A total loon.
No doubt she has cats, that is usualy good indicator.
Me I collect guns.

Lilith said...

You might just be being a little unfair there Hitch. Much as I respect your insight and perspicacity.

Lilith said...

Sorry Hitch, I will get off your case now!

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Hullo the lovely Lilith! There's nothing wrong with being a total loon; coming from Hitch, that's potentially a compliment. I'd take it as one, me. I'll come and visit your blog and we can discuss the hitch behind his nordic back.

Lilith said...

Some of my best friends are loons MM, of the best sort. I got rid of all the gibbering, stab-you-randomly, or push-you-under-a-tube type of loon friends some time ago!

Oh do come over MM...he seldom drops by, and we can have a giggle!

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

lilith: How did you get rid of them? Should I be asking?

Hitch: glad you collect guns, but hope you have a licence for them fella! And that you keep them locked up, just in case weird stalkers come by and find a ready arsenal enabling them to blow holes in your koi carp.

Lilith said...

Well MM they have drifted away since I stopped listening, donned a stab proof vest and stopped travelling by tube...

The Hitch said...

All legal moorgate and locked away.
I do however sleep with a great big knife by the bed , that and a maglite, better safe than sorry.
Have a lovely weekend and dont call me "fella" .

Newmania said...

Well well well what do I see but that fella Hitchy making himself pleasant . Its a bit the part in Beauty and the beast when Beast combs his hair.... who`d have thunk it
Hi mermaid you are all over the place just popped into see what you were up to and it is err stalking violence and personality disorder. OK that can be a good thing. Watch out for cyber stalkers there are one of two nasty ones.

Fat Sparrow said...

"And now I have found that I, Mrs Nice, have turned into a psychopathic, stapler-wielding stalker girl."

"Excuse me, I believe you have my stapler..."

Sorry, couldn't help myself.

"By the way, if you want to borrow the UBER-FREAK story to scare off unwanted admirers, it goes like this."

Hahahaha, I knew I liked you for a reason! That is exactly the kind of thing that I have done.

"I keep the telephone numbers of ex boyfriends. I never use them, but I keep them. you never know."

I've got the Social Security numbers of mine, so they had better behave.

But seriously, Alan Rickman? I have to tell you, he's a minger. Join me in the dry and chewy goodness that is Hugh Laurie as "House."

idle said...

I went to prep school with that Hugh Laurie. Bit of an all-round hero, actually. Best actor in the school and no slouch on the games fields. And nice.

Dry and chewy? Never tried, Fat Sparra. It wasn't that type of school, happily.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Idle: Glad he's a nice boy that makes his mother proud. Are you sure you did not fag for him? And has he sent any of his well-deserved earnings your way?

Fat Sparrow - Hello! It's YOUR stapler is it? Sorry - I'll put it back in the post to you now. Please excuse the scratches on it, and the inevitable strand of DNA...

Newmania - I've not seen Beauty and the Beast - am guessing that you have children? I was too old to go to see Beauty at the cinema when it came out, and you just can't hire out under 12s any more for family or social occasions.

Hitch - sorry fella. Can I ask, why do you sleep with a maglite? Don't you have working electricity in your bedroom? Can't you just turn on the bedside lamp? Or is your home like those-files/Supernatural films where electricity never works and buildings are always plunged into blue darkness even if it's brightest noon outside?

The Hitch said...

Its to hit intruders with before I unlock the gun cabinet and drag them downstairs to my cellar before demonstrating to them my own personal concept of crime and punishment.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Hitch, I like your subtle Nordic ways. I don't have a cellar, but I can aspire to those heights of justice - or should that be plummet to those depths of depravity, given that it's a cellar?

idle said...

No fagging at prep school, mermaid. And I didn't follow him to Eton, so I don't know what his fagging arrangements were.

Strangely enough, your next post on bog seats might stir up some fagging memories. Better read it first.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Well.... did it stir up fagging memories?

-eve- said...

I think your stalking tendencies are normal. I share some of them myself ;-) Good post! :-)