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Friday, August 03, 2007

Chrome Effect Wood Toilet Seat

Blog Dedication: This, I guess, is for Gorilla Bananas who has berated me for my lack of vulnerability.

Five days and three toilet seats on the same bowl. That has to be a record, right? Saturday I finally got rid of the old toilet seat, which had split down the middle and provided a resting place for each cheek. It took about four hours for me to get the old one off, partly because the previous owners were dumbnuts who obviously hadn't heard of using WD-40 in the bathroom, and partly because I had to keep going out and buying various MAN-TOOLS (no pun intended) to get the durn thing off.

One hand-saw, monkey wrench, B&D pliers, can of WD-40, three cloths, four broken nails, a screwdriver and a litany of rude words later, I lifted the lid on the old white telephone and put the new one on.

Except it was not really new - I'd had it sitting around for a few months and consequently the silver do-dad thingy was missing from one side. I cleaned the entire flat looking for the silver do-dad thingy, to no avail. As a result, three days later, the new one broke with a vengeance as I not-too-gently lowered my tired ass onto it as I stumbled, blear-eyed, out of bed at the unhallowed hour of 5:30am.

As you can imagine, I was not too happy about this state of affairs. Toilets are supposed to uphold pillars of society such as myself. Seats are supposed to stay down when they need to be down. Seats should not callously give way beneath you when you are mid-stream. There should also always be a continuous stock of toilet paper ready for every emergency. I understand that this is a female's perspective: for men, toilet seats are supposed to be up, for no other reason than that the older men get, the less able they are to pee straight and therefore need that extra 0.5 cm circumference gained by lifting - and leaving - the seat up. Men do not always need toilet paper, I was once informed by an old flame. We'll call him Simon, for that was his name. Upon exiting a public loo when out one evening and finding me waiting patiently for him with a bucket of popcorn, he gallantly took the bucket in one hand, and my hand in the other. I had a suspicious thought.

"Simon, did you wash your hand before holding mine?"
"No, but it's okay, I didn't use that one. I'm holding the popcorn with the hand I used."

Who said the course of true love ne'er did run smooth? (That was rhetorical, by the way). Anyway, he was right. It runs in a dribbling, wavy yellow line.

That evening I was late home from work and, to my surprise, saw a Woolworth's open next to the bus stop. I had a crisp craving so went in. While in there, I noticed it had a significant homeware section. As I had only three days before guests descended on me, expecting a fully functional toilet, I thought - "Can it hurt to look?" So I ventured between aisles of Chav-Plastic bathroom accessories, sporty dolphins frolicking on tasteful white loo brush holders.

And then I saw it: A Chrome Effect Wood Toilet Seat. Stifling my questions as to whether it should have been "wooden" instead of "wood", I was thrilled. My bathroom is white and the palest ice-blue, with touches of silver-painted wooden mirrors, handles etc. It was the perfect toilet seat for me. Happily, I picked it up, grabbed a bag of Doritos which were precariously balanced on top, and made my way to the till.

While in the queue, my mobile rang from the deep recesses of my handbag. Tilting my arm slightly to reach it, the seat in its box slipped, and I instinctively clasped it to my chest. As I did, the doritos fell off. I bent down to pick them up. Before I had the chance - HE picked them up for me. Ladies, his eyes! Youngish, well-built, salt and pepper hair, chiselled features, and beautiful, soul-searching brown eyes. I melted instantly. "Remember to be vulnerable" I thought, as GB had informed me in an earlier post that men like their women to be less violent and more gentle and vulnerable. I smiled and let him pick up the packet.

"Thank you" I smiled and whispered.
He smiled back. "You have your hands full", he said, and glanced down at my prospective purchase.

Namely, my chrome-effect wood toilet seat, clutched lovingly to my heart.

His smile disintegrated slowly and was replaced with a quizzical look.

"My toilet seat broke this morning when I sat on it and I have to fix a new one on tonight" I gibbered.

"Oh".

And that was the end of what could have been a beautiful romance. You can't blame him really. No-one clutches chrome effect wood toilet seats like that. Single, vulnerable girls do not buy or fix their own toilet seats. Well-bred, vulnerable girls certainly do not get their toilet seats from Woolworths at 8:30pm on a Wednesday evening. No, it is no use. Alan Rickman will just have to accept me for who I am, staples, chrome effect wood toilet seats and all. At least we will never run out of toilet paper.

39 comments:

The Hitch said...

*coughs*
Will you be offering the old seats on ebay?
Its jus that I have a friend "newmania " who collects such stuff.
They would make a lovely christmas present for him.

Newmania said...

Old aquiantance as of now . Well this is all very nice M but I like the comment you made on my blog better personally . There is more to you than meets the eye ...( and what meets the eye is not at all bad)

Gorilla Bananas said...

You told him the toilet seat broke when you sat on it? Are you nuts? Next time say your mother sat on it.

I suspect the fellow was gay in any case. He probably wasn't objecting to the toilet seat, per se, but the chrome effect.

Next time briefly touch the guy's hand as if it was an accident. Touch + vulnerable look = Love.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

I am sure he can have them hitch.. one is cracked, and the other has a big chip... I'm not making any comment on that

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

newmania - yes, my blog is in pink and I produce tales of woe and lovelorn-ness rather than political cognisance. But do not underestimate me... as you say, there is a lot more to me than meets the eye. FYI - award-winning financial journalist and MA when I was 21. And I hate the colour pink as well. It's ironic.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

NO!!! He could not have been gay, Gorilla....he was perfect - he had S&P hair and brown eyes!! That's probably why my Level of Appropriateness Filter broke down. If I ever meet Paxman, I know I'll just gibber and say something erudite like: "Dur-hur, me like farts, hyuk."

Anyway, how could I have touched his hand without breaking the third toilet seat that week? And my mom's not so fat....

The Hitch said...

*coughs* have s&p hair
but have also broken at least one bog seat.
The trick mermaid is to hover anove the seat or get one of those Arab jobbies for ,well your jobbies.
Our Japanese chums also do a nice line in lavatories ,musical plus they mechanicaly wash and dry the nether regions.
For the life of me I cant think of a suitable tune for a khazi , maybe if the bottom washing water was cold enough "SHOUT" by Lulu.

Anonymous said...

should it be "sound of the underground?"

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Should I ask how your seat was broken hitch?
I think "You spin me right round" to accompany the flush sending Tarka and his offspring down the ceramic chute.

Newmania said...

financial journalist and MA when I was 21. And I hate the colour pink as well. It's ironic.....

"It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value.
Arthur C. Clarke (1917 - )"

I fear clever women( and change)

idle said...

Mermaid, it was all going so well until ..."my MOM'S not so fat".

Are you a septic? I could have sworn not - you write too well, and your sense of humour is demonstrably English. But.... MOM?

Hitch, "Shout, shout, let it all out" by Tears for Fears in the 80s should cover evacuations of both ends, it seems to me.

Or anything by Squeeze...

The Hitch said...

newmania said
I fear clever women( and change)
You missed out soap!

Ms Moorgate , how perceptive , no doubt yours broke in the same way as mine , an early morning hungover heavy sit down with head in hands only to find that you have done the twist and broken the washers underneath , at least I hope that the way yours broke.
of course if you had a man in your life he would like myself with my own bog have just bought new washers.
If you have actualy snapped the seat then my god your bum must be HUGE!

The Hitch said...

idle too clever(+:

The Hitch said...

OK another 80's bog song

The water(closet)boys
"you saw the whole of the moon"

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Hitch.... Not fat! Just the sort of person who can discuss China's A-shares market one minute, then fall down the escalators at Bank station the next. Hopefully I will grow out of it, but with a big b'day approaching fast, I have little hope for gainliness.

Idle - you are tres amusing. I'm not a S.Tank (1/2 Canadian, however), but I was referring to the US-style "Your momma" jokes.. as in "Your mom's so fat it took me all day to get on her good side." or - your mom's so fat, when she jumps in the air, she gets stuck.

Newmania - only a clever woman can fully appreciate the intelligence and charisma of a man such as yourself. Stupid women just want to talk during a match final. (delete this blatant flattery-ED).

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

HAHA! just read your bog songs comment. This could be the best stream of consciousness ever. How about: "Waterloo" aha ha ha ha ha ha

The Hitch said...

"smells like too much guinness"
Nirvana

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

I'm forever blowing bubbles (after the Vindaloo and Tuborg on Friday)

idle said...

Hitch, the Waterboys suggestion is brilliant and unbeatable, and caused much belly laughter here.

However.....

Down to the River
Bye Bye Baby
Dropping Out of Sight (Bobby Bare, genuine)
Depth Charge (Marc Bolan)

idle said...

Half Canuck is fine, mermaid. Normally the Canadian sense humour is no laughing matter but you have demonstrated otherwise.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Thank you Idle. Loved your suggestions for toilet songs. Evidently you have all had a flush of inspiration...

However, on behalf of my Canadian father and American friends who read this blog, they have all proved to have a sparkling sense of humour, fully understanding irony and write with panache and style. Fat Sparrow is an example of this.. you should visit her site.

BEAST said...

NO NO NO GB dont say your mother sat on it, we all know women turn into their mothers as soon as the cake has been cut.
Mermiad old bean your taste in men is err interesting , Alan Rickman was bad enough but PAXMAN!!!!!.Nows the time to own up to you Clarkson fetish , come on girl , better out than in.

Mental Mac said...

Sigh. It always reminds me of The Mary Whitehouse Experiences sketch about finding true love. "If I had not gone to that satanic ritual, we would never have met"

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Beast - If we all had the same taste in partners, life would be very boring. No I don't like Clarkson. He tries too hard to be Clarkson. Paxman is extremely intelligent, laid-back good-humoured and amusing.

Mental Mac - I'm not sure breaking a toilet seat can lead to true love, although I did have very dark thoughts on the morning of the breakage.

BEAST said...

MoM , too true , why more people dont find 'Fat Pat' Butcher the East Enders Hotsy as attractive as I do.....its a mystery to me.Now theres a girl who could break a toilet seat

Anonymous said...

Bye Bye Baby from the Hitch v.good but how about "Bye bye bye" from N-sink? :-)

Old Tarf said...

In the words of CCR. " I see a Bad Moon arising"?

It must of been from the toilet seat's view point.

The reason men put the toilet seat up is." If you tinkle ,when you sprinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie."

The secret to a good relationship.

Is always put the seat back down.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Hello Old Tarf! I've missed you!

I've got to say, I always had an "arrangement" with my previous boyfs... if I used the loo first, I would put the seat up for them, and if they used it first, they would put it down for me. Seemed to work as a good compromise. Why can't more women be reasonable?

mutleythedog said...

When I had a pub I replaced about 5 toilet seats a week.. Used to buy them in packs of 10.... I would have yours off and a new one on in a matter of moments..

phyllis said...

you must realise that toilet antics of any kind are not going to find you the man of your dreams. I suggest going out to bars instead.

electro-kevin said...

I was on light duties at work and was asked to repaint the gents which I did willingly - it alleviated the boredom and I asked if they were going to pay me ... time in lieu bum tsssk !

'strue though I did ask. That's the kinda guy I am.

Lilith said...

Ha ha, I make men who live with me sit down to wee! Boyfriend is too bloody tall! It is just too distressing to have the bathroom sprayed with little yellow droplets, first when they splash off the porcelain, and then again when they fail to close the lid and after a while the smell of stale wee becomes indellible...! Bad feng shui....

Fat Sparrow said...

"One hand-saw, monkey wrench, B&D pliers, can of WD-40, three cloths, four broken nails, a screwdriver and a litany of rude words later, I lifted the lid on the old white telephone and put the new one on."

Yes, I can do it myself, but suddenly I am reminded of the perks of being married.

"Single, vulnerable girls do not buy or fix their own toilet seats. Well-bred, vulnerable girls certainly do not get their toilet seats from Woolworths at 8:30pm on a Wednesday evening."

You wouldn't want to be one of those girls anyway. They're crap in bed. And I should know, as I would always end up with their boyfriends.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Fat Sparrow - you maketh me laugh! Surely there are more perks to being married than having a free handyman? Although, given the broccoli salad incident, I am starting to come round to your way of thinking!

Lilith - I can't accept that! Surely a bloke who is with someone as gorgeous as you would have the courtesy to force himself to pee in a straight line?

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Ps... E-K... it's an old pun, but a good 'un. You should have been rewarded with at least a beer.

Lysandra said...

Great work.

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