1) I have broken my toilet again. IT WONT SCREW UP PROPERLY
2) Monty sicked up on my Duvet. My winter duvet. With my most expensive embroidered white egyptian cotton duvet cover. Its now in the bath as it is too big to wash
3) I am finding that old feelings are being stirred up again. Which I find very confusing.
4) I have spent four nights this week playing... TETRIS. AND I suck at it.
5) I hate the Independent on Sunday. Although I love the Telegraph
6) I am not eating properly.
7) Men suck
8) Cats are my only friends
9) I have a permanent headache
10) I feel sick
11) Life sucks
12) There's no chocolate in the house
13) The Independent on Sunday Sucks
14) I keep thinking about someone
15) That sucks
16) I need a holiday
17) I dont want to spend it playing Tetris
18) I missed off the apostrophe from don't in 17) and I'm not even bothered
19) I went a whole day without checking my blog
20) I have 20 reasons to be miserable
20 reasons to be happy:
1) My cat loves me
2) My friends love me, but most never call me, and if they do, only one (Clare) actually calls me just for a chat. the others call me because they are blue and need to vent their feelings and I listen like the mug that I am.
3) Geoff Ho proposed ( I said no)
4) I have broadband
5) I've lost three pounds
6) The telegraph wants me to write some stuff for it
7) Someone bought a card off me today ( I make cards)
8) People think I'm funny
9) My hair looks great since I got it done on Tuesday
10) My cat loves me
11) I have broadband
12) I stayed alive for a whole day without checking my blog
13) Geoff Ho proposed (and I said no). Actually 3 and 13 are not reasons for him to rejoice, but at least I will die knowing that someone wanted to marry me, even if it was by kneeling down at a press party and giving me a weightwatchers calculator instead of a ring.
14) I have a weightwatchers calculator
15) I know how to use apostrophes
16) My cat loves me
17) I have spare duvets
18) er
19) that's it...
20) David Hasslehoff
42 comments:
The telegraph wants me to write some stuff for it
Coo thats impressive hey but I get in the Islignton Gazette...(so so sad....)
Oh by the way your cat does not love you , she is playing you for a sucker , fool.
I like a bird who is worse at Tetris than I am (or was), the eating disorder will keep you from getting too porky, and I too prefer the Telegraph, even if it gets worse every day.
Geoff Hoon proposed? The bastard. Now I'm jealous. I don't look much like the Hoff, though I am tall and dark (Hellllo Dere!), and am happily married, so a proposal is unlikely, and, of course, the cat would have to go.
I can help you with (2). Stop feeding your cat cooked food and give it raw meat. Do you want him to become a sissy?
Incidentally, are you sure about turning down Geoff Hoon? He seems like a pretty good catch, even for a high-flier like yourself. And don't abbreviate his name to 'Ho'. That's just rude (and racist).
It's true the cat loves you. If only because it is a chance for it to get what it wants, FOOD.
I still love you. If lifes sucks get a lollypop.
I also call you. So what am I chopped liver!!!
Thankyou for the picture of david.
1/ Call a plumber
2/ Send it to the cleaners
3/ Join the club (I feel the same way!!)
4/ Move on to: http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/games/bloxorz
I love it - though I don't know Tetris, so can't really compare
5/ Cancel subscription to Independent
6/ Take mum out for nice dinner
7/ It's just a temporary perspective.
8/ No, just the ones who are always in your house.
9/ Motrin - works for me and I've had a headache every 12 hours this past week!
10/ Lie down
11/ again, temporary
12/ Get some minstrels
13/ See #5
14/ He might be thinking about you too.
15/ Revel in your fantasies.
16/Barbados is v. nice!
17/Rent a villa with no internet (shouldn't bee too difficult in BGI)
18/Good.. we're not much bothered either!
19/ Its addictive - you did a good thing.
20/ See # 7
Feel better!
And I thought women sucked? !!
*ok, i'm off*
frank and shirley say hello
1. Toilets are not supposed to screw up... really they are not.
2. I expect you fancy me - most women do.
3. Tetris is crap - try Halo...
4. Men don't suck and dogs are better than cats...
5. I have some chocie and paracetamol- would you like me to pop round?
Thats the Best I can do. Honestly! Pull yourself together. I wrote some stuff for the Sunday Telegraph once. Its not done me any good...
I wouldn't say that being proposed to by Geoff Ho was a good thing, I'd put it in the bad category! after all, he has little interest in anybody but himself, or you.....well that was my experience of meeting him anyway, even if he did buy me a drink. But I guess I deserved the drink for having to put up with his other poor manners! P.S. anybody who would like to donate gifts or promises to the toy appeal much appreciated!
No.1: Forget Hasslehoff; the only affair he's likely to be engaged in is with himself in the mirror.
No.2: Be happy with who you are. I am a fat and bald unemployed 54 year old with halitosis, but I still think I am great because I always choose the best interest rates for my nestegg of £453.76.
No.3: Allow yourself a little treat now and again. My personal favourite involves a quart tub of icecream, the internet and a box of tissues.
I than' you.
How can looking at the Hoff make you happy???? He makes me heave just looking at him just like that, let along wearing those tight black panties.
As for fancying men, aren't you missing out the obvious reason you don't fancy them? You're trying to fancy them sober. You need to be slightly inebriated to do so. Get though down the pub and report back!
Gorilla and everyone else who thinks I said "Hoon"...
"Incidentally, are you sure about turning down Geoff Hoon? He seems like a pretty good catch, even for a high-flier like yourself. And don't abbreviate his name to 'Ho'. That's just rude (and racist)."
Not Geoff Hoon, fools! Geoff Ho!! The Homeister general! My long-standing Chinese friend called Geoff Ho. That is his name. Racist indeed! Think before you speak! Geoff, you are DEFINITLEY higher up the list than Geoff Hoon.
Ah. Sanity returns. Now that Geoff Hoon has been rightfully consigned to the dustbin of outright mingers, we are left with the problem of the Hoff. I believe re-hab may be the solution, whereby electrodes are applied to your sensitive parts whilst watching old episodes of Knightrider and Baywatch. You know it makes sense.
Newmania - my cat DOES love me! He does! He runs to meet me every day when I come home from work
Idle: tall and dark is good, but the cat stays. AND IT WAS GEOFF HO!!!!
Old Tarf - I know you called, thank you! I was at choir rehearsals but I will phone you tonight. Thanks for sparky's webpage
Jane, you sweetheart. I Will take mum out for dinner. And I will go on that game - thanks!!!
John G - thanks!
Frank and Shirley - HELLO!!!
Mutley, of course. We all fancy you! BUT Toilets ARE meant to screw up to make the seat remain fixed to the bowl.
EmmaK - you're trying to fancy them sober. You need to be slightly inebriated to do so. Get though down the pub and report back!....
excellent advice darling! Beer Goggles are on!
billy jizzman/Theyspeakofcheese... you are are simply jealous of THE HOFF.
I like electrode-oriented shocks when watching Knight Rider
Only proposal I get now a days. Is hurry up you old bugger and get out of the road.
There is more to life than chocolate. But not at the moment....
Why am I getting it in the neck here? What have I done? And my dear mermaid... c'mon. It did amuse you!
And as for bfitwww: Sorry if I was rude to you. Crikey. Then again, who are you? When did we meet before?
Hey Geoff - I think they thought you were Geoff Hoon, because they evidently think that I can't spell or that I am racist (? GB should explain that one).
PS. yes, it was amusing. That's why I put it in the "good" things!
Oh dear god girl, you need to get out more, thinking that the Hoff is good looking is pretty tragic!!!
Mutley is available, go for it!
(I tried for you Muts)
why thank you herc. Maybe you're right: a dog over the hoff may be the right path to take. But... he is the Hoff!!! There are just so many hoff-related anecdotes... I think I might set up a new blog site dedicated to the Hoff...
no matter how much you try, the hoff will never be cool. I trust this is ironic adulation?
Your 2nd list's point 12 is a worry - I think you probably already know that.
Glad the broadband's working out for you though...
it is impossible not to at least check your blog once a day so if you are living without checking it I should be worried about your commitment to us, mermins
do you have something for men with surnames...
HO..
HOON
HOFF
Maybe you should date santa claus - ho ho ho
I always thought Hoff's popularity in Germany was proof that their fabled humourlessness was a massive double bluff. Not sure what to make of it in your case :-)
As Mark Twain pointed out, "Ein Amerikanischer Fritz ist Nichts zum Lachen."
MOM shame on you , a men bashing list , then having the gall to fancy the hoff.
Who could live up to such perfection.......except possibly Mr Mutley.
PS Mr Mutley you now owe me a fiver
Blimey hadn't paid much attention to the picture until now, I wish I had continued to ignore it, made me feel pretty unwell! I guess being a blinkie has its advantages.
P.S. Geoff, we met at the mermaid's 30th and apology accepted!
Oh it all becomes clear. Did I EVER say I fancied the HOFF? No, I merely admire his evident erudition. Oh well. Hello BFITWWW. Booked my ticketoramas and am ready to rock and roll baby, yeah!
My surname is, of course, Ho-Idle, shortened for blogging purposes. You can interview my plutocrats any time. We don't have cat litter in the offices, though, so best chain it to the radiator at home as normal.
We could go for a slap-up at itsu afterwards.
Would a chest rug be required? I might sweat up a bit.
The £3.00 that you have lost. Was it in the public street? I have found £3.00, they may be the ones?
I am able to come wisit with you if you send postal order to cover the autobus, I will love you as I need wife to stay here. I have good job flesh packing in big factory. I own a BMW. Though it needs to welding, but mechanic say it not too expensive.
You will marry me no?
I forgot. I am not careing for overly small flaps on a woman. Do you have big flaps? It is not so important if you have nice home.
Hello Metody, thank you for the kind offer. I will say no, but only because my heart belongs to another. And also because I am a hard-core Christian and have taken exception to your comment about the flaps. On the other hand, I will gladly polish your Beemer.
You could set up a web site devoted to me if you liked... I should not mind though I would be suitably modest of course.
Dear Mermaid, is that a London name? I understand as my brother has kidney that belongs to another, a man who die in explosion, but it did not take. So now he has my kidney, and I have one.
Did you heart come from a dead man or woman? It is no small matter for if we are to marry then I would not be sure about you not being 100% voman.
Sorry to hear you have small flaps, in Poland we like the flaps big. My sister she gets to pull on hers, and they are now 8cms longer. This is just a tip you would be okay even with your tiny flaps.
Metody xxx
Hello mutley, I think you have competition from the "Polish" blogger.
David Hass has aquired that "suprised" look of the aging Holywood trooper lately ...I wonder what other nips and tucks he has had.
Have you had plastic surgery Merm ?I wuold suggest having your ears made bigger and perhaps keeping a set if keys in a hand flesh pouch on your buttocks.
(Or you could fix that frightening fizzog and stop making the children cry)
Merms have you considered a hamster?
They can generate more electricity than an urban windmill with the added advantage that it would give Monty something to carefully observe during the day , green credentials and a cat toy all in one
DOUBLE BUBBLE!
On a serious note
When you desperatley look for something you rarely find it , that man is out there , like God you dont need to look for him ,he is just around the corner , probably looking for you(+:
Hitch
Yes, Hitch, and he is a bailiff.
ha ha ha!
thanks Hitch for the pep-talk. Things are very complicated however.
Dennis - you're not wrong, I think someone's tipped them off about my stapler collection.
Newmania - thanks for your kind words regarding my disfigured and wretched frame. That has encouraged me to post another picture of The Hoff.
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