So I was sitting on the bus home last night.
It being a very crowded bus, the only seats left were at the top, right at the back. You know the ones I mean... they were the hard grey plastic seats opposite the row of seats that line the very back of the bus. This means that you are forced to eyeball whoever is squished into the seat opposite you.
In my case, this was two Polish builders, who were very polite and moved their bags to give me more leg room.
However, the traffic being stop and start,
the seats being very slippery
and my coat being of a non-stick material
... I found myself ending up with my head in the guy's crotch when the bus jerked suddenly and I shot forward. Putting my hand out to steady myself I ended up pushing him hard in the chest before I slid off into a kneeling position, face-first, into his groinal area.
He was shocked, to say the least; his friend was laughing so hard everyone was turning round to see what had transpired.
All I could muster, between laughter and profuse apologies, was: "Well, I've not done THAT before."
66 comments:
"Well I`ve not done that before" said Merms, Thinking "wouldn`t mind doing it again, if you`re both on the same bus, tomorrow night!
He he! Merms, that is soo funny.
Di.xx
I have heard a lot of useless excuses from women in my time - "Oh I have a headache- Sorry, I am washing my hair - I would have but I ran out of money - Didn't you know I am a lesbian" but yours is the worse ever. Slippy seat. yeah right.
I think it would have been more embarrassing if it had been me Merms ( falling that is), and at least you would have had a handy hand grip to use to steady yourself up.
As a female media thing you will find this kneeling crotch level position a useful career tool. Certainly it has worked for Esther Ranthzen, Sue Lawley (slut) and as for Helena Bonham Carter ... what a whore . So its a good idea to practice the offer and withdrawal of sexual favours without it being clear what has been offered for any occasion...� Oh this brown envelope ...oh that�s nothing ....� sort of thing ..� Me ? Oh I just fell with my mouth next to your penis ,clumsy clumsy...you were saying about new assignments ? �...
Its amazing how many women are not what they seem .Did you know Delia Smith has Tourettes and swears continually. They have to do endless takes ...honestly
DELIA: Then you just turn out your sponge and CUNT FUCKO CUNT ....... oh crickey ... sorry about that
DIRECTOR:� We `ll go again with the Summer Pudding shall we Delia ...sigh Take ten !�
Nice post funny flirty fresh like a sexy cream tea ...8 points .
No comment!!!!
reminds me of that little britain sketch
where the tory MP stand with his family and explains how he suddenly found himself INSIDE a ratsafarian after slipping.
What bus do you catch?
Have oyster card will travel.
ONLY JOKING (+:
I wouldn't for one minute think you'd done THAT before.......with a Polish builder!
*ducks*
What a gentleman he was to look shocked! I would have patted you on the head and said "go away and sin no more, my child".
you missed a classic line about polish sausage mermaid... :)...i would have laughed as well but would have brought you in on it so you would have thought light of it...i've never quite had that happen but something similar and it was an uplifting experience, for one party, which made it humorous for all...
If the Geoff Hoon interview gigs dry up, merms, a career as an itinerant pole dancer beckons.
Goodness.
Good looking lasses get paid fantastic money for sliding on a Pole in Chancery Lane (The Griffin)
Did you ask him for a quote? I hear they are quite inexpensive.
Its terrible the excuses women 'of a certain age' come up with to cop a feel.
Molesting a visitor to our shores shame on you :-)
beast am i noticing a bit of jealously...perhaps you should start taking the bus my dear :)
Mr Beast
Our host is an unmarried lady of a certain age,*whispers* they get a bit odd !
So any man who can fix a broken lavatory seat or even better plumb a lavatory in is considered a prize catch and to be pounced upon.
Saying, "Well, I've not done that before," makes you seem like a beautiful flaxenhaired virgin. I suppose you meant you had never ground your face into the crotch of a polish builder but they probably laughed thinking you had never orally pleasured anyone!!
mermaid you are a scream!
you know hitch...i have learned over the years, it is significantly less expensive to just call a plumber than to keep a man who can fix a toilet...imho
Emma - I am what you think I am. Nor have I ever "orally pleasured" anyone. Yes, that's right - I have come out of the closet!
Daisy - hitch is right. The damn blind is broken again too. Any man who's handy with a powerdrill and who likes cats is welcome to take my hand in marriage.
Beast - "Its terrible the excuses women 'of a certain age' come up with to cop a feel."... of a CERTAIN AGE? How Very Dare You!!!!
er.. and by coming out of the closet, I mean as a "No sex before marriage" rather than literally coming out of the closet as gay. Although I did once dream about mae west eating toast.
oh mermaid, my little flower...let daisy take you by the hand...if they can work tools...usually there is one important tool that is erm..lacking...besides it is so satisfying learning to operate an electric drill on your own...and trust me...even though they say they can fix a toilet...often enough they are just fixing it long enough for there to develop a real problem...then you have the man and a broken toilet...
Gawan, Mermaid - tell us another ...gawan !!
Jeez - I'm turning into that perverted little bear out of Bo Selecta.
:-((
And if you've seen that we all know what happens next. ;-)
i dressed as mae west for halloween one year...you would have loved it mermaid...it was a fabulous costume made by two gay friends of mine who wanted someone with breast enough to fill the costume...fit like a glove with purple velour and pink feathers abounding...
"No sex before marriage"
Wow ,(pssst had someone better tell her you get a a lot less after marriage then you might imagine )
Good for you Mermaid, someone has to marry that Prince William after all...I went out with a Christain girl once who was very into that sort of thing and it was , in retrospect , a hilarious clash of expectations.
I am well known for my excellent Carmen Miranda outfit... I look rather better than I can really describe..
ahem ...Mutley was once caught with a bannana inserted into his fundement . He claimed he was practising a One man Carmen Miranda but I have always had my doubts...
Daisy as Mae West
Mutley as Carmen Miranda
No sex but toast nibbling before marriage .
I think I need a lie down
never done that ona bus or at all?
beast...*said in her best mae west impersonation*
"Some of the wildest men make the best pets."
It would've made my day to witness this :-))))
Daisy that's spooky
I do a really good Mae West impersonation.
Actualy Im the gayest straight man you have never met, hate football, moisturise all the time and can cook.
yes but my dear hitch...you don't have the breasts for the part...
(pulls out her best mae west lines for hitch)
I only like two kinds of men: domestic and foreign.
and for some reason this one reminds me of you hitch:
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
*says it all with tongue in cheek and is running fast at this point*
I raise my eyebrows in surprise...
Mind you, I'VE never had my face in the crotch of a Polish builder EITHER...
Daisy daisy! I love it! Mae West outfits with sequins and cleavage galore! Fantastic.
Don't worry about Mutley - he used to be snow white, but he drifted!
EK - believe what you like, but I still want to hear more about Mutley's one-man Carmen Miranda impersonation.
Mutley - well? Come on, give us a show. May we call you Lola?
Hitch, you have the right credentials, but moisturiser? Really? You cant fix loo seats AND use moisturiser and still expect us not to imagine you in feathers and plumage
I've got Mae West one-liners on the brain now Daisy... thanks, I THINK....
Ingsoc - I raise my eyebrows in surprise...
I think he may have raised more than that, but he was very surprised. He nearly jumped out of the seat and threw himself out of the window...
Newmania - Indeed, I went out with a non christian once, which was not quite so hilarious... but the expectations were pretty much the same as yours were, I should guess!
Still, things like this don't happen in Lewes, do they?
Did you ask him to check if your plumbing was in order? (leer).
omg anon...you just got me on that one...very good...and way to bring it back...
Who on Earth would marry someone they'd never had sex with? Takes all sorts I guess.
Steven L - Someone who was in love with the person they'd not slept with, maybe?
Or perhaps you think people have only fallen in love during the last 100 years, since extra marital sex became more widespread and less socially unacceptable?
It's a wonder that of those people who dont believe in sex before marriage, only a small percentage end up divorced, compared with those who think sex before marriage is the only way to ensure sexual compatibility. Funny old world.
Well said, Mermaid. You stick to your guns, girl.
And buy yourself a coat made of grippier stuff, otherwise this could become an everyday occurrence and we might start to doubt you.
What happens if you never marry?
Sorry to ask, but marrying is something I'm unlikely to ever do myself.
I'm not a believer in monogamy.
Mermaid
Its true that I use moisturiser , can fix a bog seat and like cats *grimaces*
Can even fix cars when required but as you quite rightly point out,I am also outrageously effeminate, camper than a row of tents at the 1867 great British empire display of tents .
Hitch; You are too old for Mermaid. She needs a fresh, handsome young Snapper not an old Grouper!
You sound like you need to find youself a nice God-fearing Catholic man. Ironically many Polish builders probably fit this criteria.
Most guys treat love without sexual relations as something called friendship. You'll just confuse and frustrate them.
Ingsoc: "What happens if you never marry?"
Where there's life, there's hope.
And where there's not, there's always filling every single second of the day with as much as possible to hide the fact.
But I have a stapler and hair to die for, so I will distract a young Christian bloke with a hair flick, staple him to the floor and make him marry me.
This is how my marriage plans work.
I love the idea that extra marital sex was unacceptable up till a hundred years ago... with your ancestors maybe - mine all shagged anything with a pulse ...
Whatever your marriage plans, Mermaid, you've been really slacking on this blog ! Less work - less socialising ... MORE blog !
OH COME ON!!! I put up a post a week! Isn't that good enough? (shakes head in mock horror).
And I need to socialise or else how will I find a husband? Although Facebook is very helpful in many respects.... he he he he he... as EmmaK and Daphne well know. See you two later on DateBook!
Is that a cat in your pocket, Mr. Polish builder or are you just happy to see me.
So you were checking for floppy disks . Well,Well.
By the way. If anyone got the Telegraph on Saturday, I had an article in a section. But good luck working out who I am.
Sam Leith ?
The Telegraph seem to think writers are bred like show ponies . (Bryony Grid iron).You live quite close to that Melanie thingy whose the political gopher.
newmania - No on either count. I've given you an idea based on my job in previous comments. And I'm not a regular with the torygraph. But I will be there in two weeks time!
Aha ...the biz bit ...never read it ( expect Alex)
true blue
you just hate me dont you ? (+:
As it is,I have never hit on S*****
So keep that bitter old toilet mouth shut.
you can't please all of the women all of the time hitch...be happy with the ones you do darling...
no-one hates you hitch! We think you're great. And you're welcome to fix my bog seat any time.
Well I don't think it takes much to work out S*****'s name from that, Hitch.
Hiya, S***** - I'm Kevin.
(I must be an old grouper too, Trubes :-((( - me an' Hitch are only 18 months appart !)
Mermaid...
No sex before marriage??????
WOW
WOW
I MEAN
WOW
Well, respect to you...no STDs or pubic lice is the upside
How do you keep busy, by practicing on a banana? lol
PS, Hitch - I know Trubes likes to dig you a bit unfairly in my view, but toilet mouth ?
Hitch: You need a SOH implant!. So sorry if I touched on a raw nerve, (not)..
Would invite you to fix the lavatory seat at "Chez Trubes" but we already have a "handy man" for menial tasks. Will keep you in mind, though, should the occasion arise.
In the meantime, keep smiling !
True blue
Look forward to hearing about the the rest of your vertebrae collapsing.
Lets face it , there is nothing we all love more than an old woman complaining about her health problems.
So keep them coming, you bring joy to our lives you old witch.
Hitch: Now you`re in big Doo Doo, I am known for my "White Witchery Powers" and have just put a "Spell" on you ! The only way for it to be undone is an apology, poste -haste !
Incidentally, the "raw nerve" I may have hit upon, re your comment, to quote, "I have never hit upon S****", unquote. I`m not quite sure what you mean, do explain, please ?
Further point , Do you not like the more mature lady ? I`m not that much older than you and certainly younger than Dame Helen Mirren, (also better looking), as Darling Trubes assures me !
Must thankyou for the abuse, which we`ve all come to expect from you, however,
you have given me an idea for a story to write on my Blog Site, youvè broken my "Bloggers Block". Au Revoir Ma Cherie, I have work to do ! Je pense à toi. xxxx
Ha Ha Ha! I love it when the Hitch gets full of bile again. Trubes, you have reminded us of the man we know and love. And I eagerly await your blog!!!
Indeed mermaid
I have been too nice for too long, probably due to the kind ministrations of my nubile personal physician EVE.
I'm being ground down with common sense Biblical quotations and warmth.
So through gritted teeth I will apologise to true blue.
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