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Friday, November 17, 2006





Americans are always getting it in the neck. They are accused of being loud and proud, of being thicko nationalists without any real thing to be proud of. Which I cannot understand. Americans I have met (and I speak as a half Canadian) have been lovely! Polite, charming, intelligent, conversationally adept. And like it or not, without the Septics, we would have been buggered by Hitler in WWII eventually. England would have had to lie down and take it like a kitten. I wonder though, if women have to lie back and think of England, what does England think of?

No, there is a race that is much more irritating than the Americans. A million times more annoying. Australians. Like it's just a big red rock, get over it. Millions have. Okay here's their claim to fame:

1) Famous stars come from Australia.
Mel Gibson, Nicole Kidman, Kylie Minogue, Natalie Umbrella-Whatever. STOP going on about it... THEY DONT LIVE THERE ANY MORE! No, they moved out as soon as the hell they could.

2) IT'S BIG. So is Canada. But at least Canada has more than a bunch of red sand in the middle.

3) THE GREAT BARRIER REEF. Not great enough as a barrier, I think. Should be much bigger, and completely surrounding the country. And about 50 foot of it should stick out of the ocean.

4) DINGOS. They eat babies

5) NED KELLY.
Robin Hood, Dick Turpin.

5) THE OUTBACK KILLER.
Bernard Cribbins, Jack the Ripper, Fred West, Harold Shipman. Eat shit and die.

But actually, it's not the women but the men that I find annoying. They're so full of bull-crap.
I had one on the phone trying to sell me something. I said: "Well I will have to think about that". He said: "What is there to think about?" I said: "I don't just say yes to spending money, I like to think about things first." He got really offended! I mean, which numpty just goes and spends £100 over the phone without thinking about what they are really getting? He got quite arsey that I was not immediately prepared to part with my own cash! I did my posh English voice on him and put the phone down (Thenk yew. GOOD BYE).

Then on the train going home, this bronzed fella with what might pass with many girls as a handsome and rugged face (looked more like he'd been attacked with balloons and hung from a ceiling by static electricity) was standing there chewing gum with his mouth open. Champ, champ champ. The sucking sound of a piece of flavoured tree sap struckling around his big fat open gob. He caught me looking at him. Misinterpreting my glare, he said: "Hey there". I said: "Are you Australian?" "Yeah, how d'ye know that?" "Because you're chewing with your mouth wide open and I can see what you had for lunch." End of conversation, but he shut his trap. The old lady opposite me was very amused. Her eyes positively twinkled. Obviously a retired teacher.

Yet what I don't understand is that Aussie girls are really lovely! They are healthy, but like to party, don't smoke, work hard, try to look their best without being flash with their money and are really laid back. Take my gorgeous Aussie Twin Jo (Jo-Jo). She's pictured in the middle, with her friend on stage right and me on stage left. I think were at a 20's gangster party.
She is completely unlike the male australian, apart from biologically, of course. She's polite, generally quiet, has a good sense of humour. It's like there's a whole different world between the Antipodean male and female species. Or maybe the girls just don't like gum?

Oh, I do know one Token Aussie Male who's pretty nice. Simon O'Brien. He's sweet and has a really fun sense of humour, pretty laid back and quiet and good-natured. But then his parents are Irish... and we all love the Irish!

2 comments:

Old Fart(TARF) said...

There is nothing wrong with Americans.

Every home should have a least one.

Anonymous said...

Well I'm not so sure about that. The place would smell of bagels and coffee all the time