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Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Today I regret having eaten half a giant bar of toblerone late last night...
all I had was two bottles of magners, washed down with a lemonade and some sparkling water. But I evidently do not have the alcohol capacity I once had as a child. Well, not as a child, it's not like my parents got me into bad ways or anything. I mean, I did use to drink vinegar neat until they found me out and stopped me. And they did overdose me once on calpol and I slept for nearly two days on and off. Which now seems like a good idea.

But eating that chocolate last night at only 11pm was NOT a good idea. What was I thinking? We're not talking the small bars you can occasionally find in woolworth's, when, with a whoop of joy and a little dance of happiness in the aisle, you finally discover some quality chocolate. Nor even the bigger versions you sometimes find on special offer in Sainsbury's. No, we are talking the sort of giant ones you find in airport duty free shops. The ones that are so heavy and bulky, not to mention incredibly solid unless you are SuperStrongTooth Man, that they should be banned from 'planes. "Take me to Kuwait immediately, or I will dash your brain out with a white choc triangle". Yes, the enormous find-only-at-christmas sort that cheap people buy you instead of a proper present. And I ate HALF of it. What a greedy sort of soak-headed wino trailer trash pop junkie had I become?

Worse, half of that half, or 25 per cent of the whole, if you like maths, ended up transforming itself into massive humdinger zits all over my face this morning. MISERY

There was a good point, however. After I had an enormous nougaty-smelling dump this morning I lost 2lbs. I really did. I was 8:7 before I set tarka and his entire half-breed red-neck otter clan free down the porcelain chute, and 8:5 directly after. Perhaps all that triangular chocolate from triangular trees, and triangular honey from triangular bees was a diuretic.

Still have half for tonight's dinner, too. Whoohooo. 8:3 tomorrow morning...


Old Fart(TARF) said...

As you mentioned silly things to do. I was shaving the other day, I am not a morning person and now that I am retired it takes me until midnight to wake up.

I degress, another sign of old age a seniors moment ( or brain fart as my Grandmother used to call them).

I had my face covered in shaving cream and had a rather large handful of shaving gel on my hand. The shaving cream can in the other hand and grabbed my toothbrush put shaving cream on the brush and shoved it into my gob ( good thing it was fat free) or my diet would have been out the window.

I started to ckoke and wheeze as I was having trouble breathing and then took my hand full of shaving cream and rubbed it into my eyes and up my nose.

Where was a first aider when you needed one. I then put my head under the shower and, voila I am still here to relate this tale of foolishness.

Anonymous said...

Don't worry about the toblerone - I wish I was allowed it. We drank gin!