MONTY SPEAKS

lunatic
Sorry about mummy's last comment on her previous post.

I called the nice men. They've taken her away.

I should be sorry, but she's already cooked me enough chicken for a week.

Besides, she drank milk straight from the plastic bottle. What a chav.

Nehemiah - funniest book in the Bible?

Mawkish Victorian Image of Nehemiah

Looking at the thread of comments in the last post reminded me of my favourite and potentially the most lary character in the Old Testament (or, for my Jewish friends, the Testament!). In the eponymously-named book of History that is Nehemiah, the protagonist, a high-ranking Jewish servant/exile in the house of the Babylonian King Darius, pleads for the return of Israel to Jerusalem, to rebuild the House of the Lord, the walls and palace gates of Jerusalem which had been demolished 70 or 80 years previously.

He returns and, together with the scribe Ezra, they rebuild the walls and the spiritual lives of the people. He's a great character - at one stage, the people of Israel are under physical attack from the nearby tribes - and so they work to rebuild the walls, men and women, with one hand they are building and in the other they are ready with their weapons. While the men load the stones into place, the older men and women stand behind with spears and lanterns so they are ready for any attacks.

But Nehemiah is so funny! I always laugh out loud in church whenever they read the following chapters:

Chapter 6 vs 8: he tells a bunch of big-wigs: "You are just making it up out of your head."

But the best bit is in Chapter 7, where he catches a lot of the Jewish elders going round nicking wives from the unbelieving tribes and doing naughty things they shouldn't be doing with various ladies of questionable reputation:

"(CH 14 v 7): I rebuked them and called curses down on them. I beat some of the men and pulled out their hair."

ha ha ha ha! Chortle! Every time I see this in my head I think of TEACH from the Beano, jumping up and down and pinging chalk onto a kid's nose, while snorting in rage and yelling: "Nincompoop! Imbecile! Moron!".

And when I see this in my head and they're reading this passage out in Church, I always laugh out loud. If more ministers of the cloth so rebuked their recalcitrant congregation, the world would perhaps be a much better place. I'd love to see The Archbishop of Canterbury labouring about some minor clergy's head with an advent candle for some misdemeanour. It would amuse me greatly to witness a pastor slam-dunking someone's cranium into the collection plate for smoking on the church step.

After all, if the Muslims can wreak religious punishments, surely Christians could do it better, with more panache and possibly with a wry sense of irony.

Ah! Nehemiah! You have much to teach us today. Just leave my highlights alone.

four jacket potatoes and a tub of coleslaw

Mermins had a better day, thanks for all the prayers and positive thoughts.

Mother has filled mermaid's fridge with Good Things To Eat today. How lovely! Had a lovely supportive email from a certain nick-named person who shall not be even referred to but YOU all know who I mean! Plenty of cheery phone calls over the weekend, from a certain nick-named person, Paddy's Mum, Old Tarf, Mermaid's mum and other friends has boosted the merms, not to mention all your kind and sweet and positive thoughts me-ward. THANK YOU xxxxx

And now - a dilemma. Tonight I left work early to run a monthly bible study at my house for two GCU students and another leader. I had already rushed round like a maniac at M&S this lunchtime to buy all manner of stuff for jacket potatoes AND spent my lunch-minutes preparing the potatoes ( I dont use microwaves at home) etc.

I got a text while almost at my house saying the meeting has to be cancelled due to illness.

Does anyone want to come round and help me eat four jacket potatoes, two tubs of coleslaw, some extra mature grated cheese, tuna and sweetcorn, baked beans and salad?

Because otherwise Mermaid will be so fat that if she sits on a rock this evening combing her hair, Greenpeace will have to be called in to try to roll her back out to sea.

two cautionary tales

These hail courtesy of my friend James. If you don't like farting, poo or McDonalds, look away now.

The rest of you - I present to you: Tale of the Unexpected, Part one.

James's friend Dave and his two brothers often used to have Fart Wars.

Dave, when still a student, came home late one night half-cocked after drinking cheap cider. He saw his brother steve lying in front of the TV, glued to the screen, with his back to the doorway.

Silenty, silently, Dave backed up, legs apart, until his butt was directly above Steve's head.

HE CROUCHED!

He RIPPED ONE OFF!

It was his mother.

She was so offended, she punched him in the face.

**************************************************

Tale of the unexpected: Part Two

Aforementioned Dave did not learn his lesson. A few years later, while in the US with his American friends, got a little ... merry... one night.

The group decided to "press ham" against a window.

This, for the uninitiated, means to stick one's bare posterior up against clear glass - "pressing ham". A nice concept.

They passed a McDonalds, and decided to press ham. Dave pressed his butt up against the window.

"I've got a really nice one brewing" he thought, as he imagined a cloud of white gas steaming up the glass for extra effect.

He did not expect to follow through, and ended up pooing all down the outside of McDonald's window, down his legs and all over his trouser bottoms.

A lady sitting in McDeaths, munching on her Freedom Fries, saw the spectacle and was so revulsed she projectile vomited on the other side of the glass, as Dave and his friends hitched up their pants and made off hell for leather, Dave still squelching them out as he ran.

Who, me?

The phone rang chez Mother Mermaid this morning. She picked it up, believing it to be yours truly, and said:
"I'm not in"
A male voice (unknown) replied: "Oh? Well, Mrs Mermaid, would you please tell me when you will be in so I can call you?"
"Oh - well I am in but I'm soon going to be out. I'm just not all there yet." (wittering)
"I see, Mrs Mermaid. I think I'll call back in two hours"
"Okay" gasped my mother, still trying to recover from the embarrassment.
*click*


PS - for those who have questioned my politeness when passing breath (dennis, hitch, tuscan and the rest of you lot), it runs in the family - The Proper Rules to Follow

WARNING!!!! NEW SCAM IN THE UK

I dont often forward things on, but a warning to you: if a man comes to your door and says he is conducting a survey, and asks to see your bum, do NOT show him your bum.

This is a scam. He only wants to see your bum.

Please take a second to forward this to your friends. I wish I had known this yesterday. I feel so dirty and cheap.

Australians ARE funny!

This is worth watching all the way through!!!!

The Scarborough Fair Fiasco

red lolly, yellow lolly

I promised y'all this gem - I am sure the parents among you will enjoy this.

When visiting my dear friend in Scarborough last October, we happened upon a delightful (!) establishment called Yates's Wine Bar. It being raining, only 2pm and me needing to kill an hour before heading home to London-Town, we were stuck for a warm and dry environment to while away an hour. So don't judge me.

Anyway, after a blackcurrant and soda (favourite former tipple of us when we were impoverished students) or two, I needed to visit the ladies' powder room.

As some of you may know, whenever I have an occasion to visit a public convenience, something untoward usually happens. Or rather, I do something to embarass my friends. This time, however, I was behaving myself impeccably. While washing my hands, a young Northern mother came in and was patiently trying to get her three children of various ages to go to the toilet, flush, wash their hands etc. She had sucessfully managed to get two of them cleaned up but the youngest, a girl of about six, was not so amenable.

"I want an ice lolly!"

"You cant have an ice-lolly right now darling" said her mother.

"yes I can! You can get them from the machine", she said, pointing to the wall behind us.

Her mother and I smiled at each other, as we mentally envisaged her pointing erroneously to the condom/aspirin/toothpaste machine. Our smiles turned to horror, however, as we actually looked at the machine.

It was not for condoms, aspirin or toothpaste.

It was for £3 handbag-sized dildos. And the little girl was vigorously pointing at a picture of a saucy woman licking a great big red "Ice lolly".

Licking