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Wednesday, January 16, 2008

two cautionary tales

These hail courtesy of my friend James. If you don't like farting, poo or McDonalds, look away now.

The rest of you - I present to you: Tale of the Unexpected, Part one.

James's friend Dave and his two brothers often used to have Fart Wars.

Dave, when still a student, came home late one night half-cocked after drinking cheap cider. He saw his brother steve lying in front of the TV, glued to the screen, with his back to the doorway.

Silenty, silently, Dave backed up, legs apart, until his butt was directly above Steve's head.

HE CROUCHED!

He RIPPED ONE OFF!

It was his mother.

She was so offended, she punched him in the face.

**************************************************

Tale of the unexpected: Part Two

Aforementioned Dave did not learn his lesson. A few years later, while in the US with his American friends, got a little ... merry... one night.

The group decided to "press ham" against a window.

This, for the uninitiated, means to stick one's bare posterior up against clear glass - "pressing ham". A nice concept.

They passed a McDonalds, and decided to press ham. Dave pressed his butt up against the window.

"I've got a really nice one brewing" he thought, as he imagined a cloud of white gas steaming up the glass for extra effect.

He did not expect to follow through, and ended up pooing all down the outside of McDonald's window, down his legs and all over his trouser bottoms.

A lady sitting in McDeaths, munching on her Freedom Fries, saw the spectacle and was so revulsed she projectile vomited on the other side of the glass, as Dave and his friends hitched up their pants and made off hell for leather, Dave still squelching them out as he ran.

29 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

Farting and shitting is fine, but only if you do it with respect: put the bounder in stocks!

The Splund said...

Two splendid and life affirming tales there, Mermaid.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

I know. I think I am in love with Dave.

The Splund said...

Admit it Mermaid - you WERE that vomiting woman!!

fingers said...

And people have the nerve to complain down here when I flick my slimy, unwanted pickle on the wall...

Steve said...

Anyone who shits down the windows of McD's deserves a commendation. Anyone who manages to shit on Ronald McD himself deserves a medal.

Are you sure the lady who projectile vomited wasn't just a very eloquent food critic?

Old Tarf said...

This is unworthy of comment.

Daisy said...

omg mermaid that was a riot! i laughed so hard...thank you...it was needed this morning...

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Splund - No, sadly it was not I who projectile Vommed.

a) I dont eat fast food
b) I have only once projectile vomited, into a £300 leather handbag
c) If I had been that lady, I would have found the issue rather amusing...

dinner AND a show!

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

"And people have the nerve to complain down here when I flick my slimy, unwanted pickle on the wall..."

Fingers - is that a euphemism?

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Steve, find me Ronald McDonald, and I'll gladly pepper him with fresh, nougaty poo.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Gorilla - if you put him in stocks, could we reconstruct them so that people throw tomatoes or big macs at his posterior?

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Daisy, it was a pleasure. I'm here all week x

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

In other news,

Interestingly enough, I ripped a nice fruity one off last night in bed, shoved monty the cat under the duvet and trapped him in there with the stench.

He bit my foot.

gilbert the alien said...

mermaid.

are your farts of the murky green vaporous variety, or are they like pink luminous bubbles which tickle your nasal passages like the touch of a butterfly's wing? i know what my money's on.

Anonymous said...

how did they know she vomited if they were all running away? something smells wrong here

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Gilbert - if your money were on the former, you would be a rich man.

anon - I guess by the time he'd hitched up his pants again, his mates had time to look. Don't rain on my parade here boyo!

idle said...

This is all deeply disturbing stuff. I considered the mermaid to be chaste and pure of thought, when clearly she has a poo and lavatorial fixation. Well done trying to gas the cat, though.

The Texan wing of the idle clan tells me that the correct terminology for an unexpected follow-through is the he/she "gambled and lost".

electro-kevin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Newmania said...

Sob sob and I thought you were all floaty Laura Ashley desses running around in Corn fields thinking pure thoughts .After this disgraceful post I shall have to seriously reconsider you position in my disgusting depraved fantasies.

You have been warned

gilbert the alien said...

right answer.

i've had a word with mummy and she says marriage is a real possibilty.

electro-kevin said...

I'm surprised you didn't deflate when the cat bit you, Mermins.

I've done that to my cat too. I also trump on my kids' heads every now and then just to remind them who's paying the rent.

I'm sure I shall be reaping a fuggy whirlwind sometime in the not too distand future. :((

I pray for us both that there is no such thing karmic retribution.

john.g. said...

I would have thought a Mermaid farting should be blowing bubbles!

fingers said...

Of course it wasn't a euphemism, Potty Mouth.
As if I'd flick THAT slimy, unwanted pickle against a restaurant wall.
Much classier to just wipe it on the drapes...

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Idle - I like it! Gambled and lost. AH. Thankfully Merms has more self control.

Did not know you were half of an anglo-american tryst. Do your offspring speak like Lloyd Grossman?

Newmania - I am sorry to disappoint you. I do wear floaty clothes, but they're only floaty because of the extra downdraft.

Gilbert, inter-planetary marriage is possible, only there will be cats involved. Cat fish.

John G - I am forever blowing bubbles, but I'm afraid I'm a Stevey G girl.


EK - you fart on your children's heads? Shame on you! You could be preventing their development with your noxious butt-gas.

Fingers - potty mouth? MOI? how VERY dare you?

The Hitch said...

AI YAH!
The ordure running down the windows of micky Ds probably tasted better than the order of a big mac and fries.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Or about the same, but with more carrots and essential nutrients!

AI YAH!!!!!

idle said...

I am NOT a result of the Special Relationship, Merms, and the idle teenage totty does not drawl like the Grossman. Heaven forbid! They, like, talk, like, any expensively educated, like, girl would. A cross between Liz Hurley and Marykate'nAshley, I suppose.

We are hoping to have their "likes" surgically removed at a future date.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

The way to do that is for you and Mrs Idle to pepper your own conversations with "like" when your girls are around. They will be so "grossed out" that the oldies are using "kid talk" they will stop saying LIKE.

ps... I consider myself an "oldie" too...