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Monday, January 07, 2008

The Scarborough Fair Fiasco

red lolly, yellow lolly

I promised y'all this gem - I am sure the parents among you will enjoy this.

When visiting my dear friend in Scarborough last October, we happened upon a delightful (!) establishment called Yates's Wine Bar. It being raining, only 2pm and me needing to kill an hour before heading home to London-Town, we were stuck for a warm and dry environment to while away an hour. So don't judge me.

Anyway, after a blackcurrant and soda (favourite former tipple of us when we were impoverished students) or two, I needed to visit the ladies' powder room.

As some of you may know, whenever I have an occasion to visit a public convenience, something untoward usually happens. Or rather, I do something to embarass my friends. This time, however, I was behaving myself impeccably. While washing my hands, a young Northern mother came in and was patiently trying to get her three children of various ages to go to the toilet, flush, wash their hands etc. She had sucessfully managed to get two of them cleaned up but the youngest, a girl of about six, was not so amenable.

"I want an ice lolly!"

"You cant have an ice-lolly right now darling" said her mother.

"yes I can! You can get them from the machine", she said, pointing to the wall behind us.

Her mother and I smiled at each other, as we mentally envisaged her pointing erroneously to the condom/aspirin/toothpaste machine. Our smiles turned to horror, however, as we actually looked at the machine.

It was not for condoms, aspirin or toothpaste.

It was for £3 handbag-sized dildos. And the little girl was vigorously pointing at a picture of a saucy woman licking a great big red "Ice lolly".

Licking

72 comments:

The Hitch said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Hitch said...

£3 for a dildo?
How does a person make a profit at that rate?
I remember the days when dildos cost 10 times that much.
*True story*
I used to visit a place in manchester called THE HARMONY CENTRE
They sold sex aids and outfits(not for me) plus amyl nitrate , my drug of choice at the time, but his biggest customer was the NHS
They used to buy vibrating cocks (in huge quantities)to help cure stutterers.
Not sure if it was the threat of insertion that lead to a cure, or if the patients found other uses, however, it kept the shopkeeper in some style.

8:39 PM

electro-kevin said...

My cousin is a speech therapist. I shall ask her why a vibrating cock should cure a stutter - at a mere £3 I suspect it's more to do with getting a bargain than an anal intrusion.

Quality dildos STILL cost 10 times that, Hitch. I was looking at them only yesterday. You've been too preoccupied with gold lately to notice.

electro-kevin said...

And why are ice lollies always sold using pictures of young attractive ladies licking them ?

Why not a bloke with a full beard or an old bird with warts ?

Tuscan Tony said...

Ahhh, life in the North.

E-K - what about gold dildos then - d'ye think the Hitch be interested in that sort of thing? How wuld he buy such a device - by the ounce? By the carat?

Gorilla Bananas said...

I don't see the point of licking a dildo. It's not as if it needs it to get an erection. Speaking of which, do the men in Scarborough have a problem?

Newmania said...

I was in Pompei and the guide took us to the place whjere the Romasn bought sex. It seems to have been a thoroughly workaday transaction and the services on offer were displayed in priceless mosaic in the wall.The way in was signalled by a lurid phallus in the road , no confusion there then .

There were three young children in the Party who inevitably started playing with the phallus and screaming at the mosaic. The whoe thing was a bizarre experience .

BTW I am on Iain dales blog today

I AM A STAR... but I `ll still speak to you, ( just in an insufferably patronising way)

idle said...

W-w-w-well, b-b-b-bugger me.

One stawberry mivvi, p-p-p-please.

electro-kevin said...

F-f-f-f-f-funnny, Idle :-))

Anonymous said...

What's next? Get one free with a packet of cornflakes?

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Hitch - I'm not surprised the NHS are into buying dildos. Labour has been screwing the NHS for a decade.

EK - blokes with beards just get the strawberry sauce stuck on their facial hair - not very attractive.

Gorilla - yes - you've got a splendid point, although that now defeats the point of the humour in my tale of Scarborough Fair/fayre.

Tuscan - A gold dildo? No - Diamonds are a girl's best friend!

Newmania - Are you sure it wasn't Neverland you were visiting? And though art a star indeed. Please sign the hitch's bra.

Idle - I second EK! VVVVV Funneeee!

Anon - he he! The Honey Monster will be seen in an entirely new light. And Tony "tuscan" Tiger - "Try my new frosted dildos.... they're Grrrrrrreat!" ha ha ha

mrshifty said...

business idea!

set up booth next door.

undercut to £2.49.

face like a slapped arse but good at carpet munching.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

£2.49? That's very cheap for what you are intending to offer. Dogs breed for more than that. I'm not sure Mr Shifty's business model will attract the right sort of punter...

mrshifty said...

i would be happy to hear what would please a lady of your standing ms mermaid.(if truth be known i'd do it for free - in most cases)

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Well Mr Shifty,

A mermaid of my standing would be pleased firstly with an engagement ring. Then a wedding ring (and official certificate of marriage). Then I would consider offers of an intimate nature.

However, in my defence, I hate weddings and all that nonsensical trapping so there's a silver lining for some lucky (?) fella!

mrshifty said...

i tried marriage once but that's when the intimacy stopped.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

I'd like to try marriage before I get too old to want to be intimate!

mrshifty said...

ditto my ex.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

ha!

mrshifty said...

indeed.

Anonymous said...

Id marry you if it wasn't for that damn cat of yours.

Anonymous said...

anon.

That reminds me of a Miss Slocombe joke.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Miss slocombe? As in Are you Being served? Something to do with another name for a kitten?

ha ha ha

Anonymous said...

Well as far as I know Mr Humphries never had a pussy.

idle said...

I saw this at steynonline this evening on a post about Minnie the Moocher (100 years old this month, the song - scarcely believable) and thought I should share it:

O, what a time I had with Minnie The Mermaid
Down at the bottom of the sea
Down amongst the corals
Where she lost her morals
My, but she was good to me...

The Hitch said...

Anon
The Mermaid and the four legged Mick Hucknall lookalike come joined at the Hip.
"Love me love my cat"

Me?
I'd wack him on the back of the neck and make a pair of slippers out of him
ooooooooo
And maybe a comedy Mick Hucknell beard out of the ginger bits (+:
Seriously, unless a cat is mousing or ratting I cannot understand why anybody keeps one, or like my mother, TWO of 'em.

The Hitch said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Daisy said...

oh i must take a trip to see you mermaid and go for coffee...i'm not in need of a dildo (that i know of) but i have a strange feeling it would be a hoot!

Daisy said...

oh i must take a trip to see you mermaid and go for coffee...i'm not in need of a dildo (that i know of) but i have a strange feeling it would be a hoot!

nempnett thrubwell said...

Hitch, I agree with you about the cat thing. If dildos are your bag then rabbits are top, and cats are nowhere.

Old Tarf said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Old Tarf said...

This puts a whole new spin on the words from the old Folk Song " Scarborough Fair"

"Plow the Land with a Horn of a Ram."

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Idle - interesting song! I have heard minnie the moocher but never this verse, not surprisingly!

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

hitch and anon - my cat is a lovely companion, and if you threaten his little furry life I shall have to belt out simply red songs at midnight outside your house.

because I know where it is, oh yes.


I can see it from my van.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Daisy! please do! It would be awfully good fun!

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Old Tarf - This puts a whole new spin on the words from the old Folk Song " Scarborough Fair"

"Plow the Land with a Horn of a Ram."

That was very funny.

mutleythedog said...

Were you supposed to take the sex toy home or set up an impromptu activity in the cubicle?

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Mutters - I really would not like to say, not having an opinion on it!

The mother and I left that toilet PDQ, with her ushering out her innocent offspring as fast as she could! I've NEVER seen that sort of machine before, and, quite frankly, never want to...

idle said...

I was at a wedding in the Highlands last year where someone was wearing a fabulous sporran which purported to be wildcat but was in fact an Egyptian breed of housecat, called a Mau.

I think that the moggy had died of natural causes or unexpectedly, and was not in fact bred for sporran use. But a very fine sporran he made.

I will post a fine tale about a sporran on the idle blog later this week if I can be arsed.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

I always had my suspicions about these heilanders!

Did anyone see the pictures of the South African President at his Zulu wedding? His entire costume was made out of the tails of domestic cats - the breed called a miaow-miaow.

I should have been disturbed, but found it strangely amusing.

Look forward to your sporran tale, Sir Idle!

idle said...

I live to amuse you, Merms, and strangely.

Catty said...

This story is awesome.

Trubes said...

Not happy about the Anti Pussie Cat Brigade Merms.
Why is it nearly always men that have homicidal tendencies toward cats ? Monty is a fine looking cat indeed, he doesn`t look at all like the ginger Mancunian whinger, so he doesn`t !
Take no notice of the "Pussie Haters" it`s a deep psycological disorder called P.E. (Pussy Envy) prevalent amongst the male species of a certain age group and social standing.
Glad you`re well and posting again, I do enjoy your little anecdotes.

Di.xx

Notice to Mr Hitch........
Stop flouncing and start Blogging again....... Pleeese ....

electro-kevin said...

Oh Mermins !

You are just sooo purrrfect !

(Alluding to your little flirt with Mr Shifty - and a little pun with the cat topic.)

xx

electro-kevin said...

PS, responded to your comment on Newmsie about what women want.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

EK - so I see. But what do women really want? Only Mel Gibson knows.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Trubes - I know! Monty is simply adorable, not simply red. Men just all hate cats. I have to accept it.

electro-kevin said...

Mel Gibson ! Him lie ...

Only E-K know what women really want.

(Usually a nice cup of tea and a bar of Galaxy in front of the telly)

john.g. said...

Merms,Isn't the lolly being seductively licked by that beauty in the photo a Sky Rocket? Rather have the beauty!

Lilith said...

That is so right E-K, the chocolate and the sofa, and a foot rub.

Trubes said...

I`m crying just now, I have a Cyst on my Spine, Hitch put a spell on me a few blogs ago, I hope he can sleep tonight ! Particularly not liking "Women of a Certain Age"

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Poor trubes! I'm not sure the hitch is a witch - he's more likely to throw a kebab at a hoodie in the street than plague you with cysts. Still, he has a beautiful physician who might be able to salve thy wounds!

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Thank you catty! I hope you are well my dear chicka?

electro-kevin said...

53 comments over a budget dildo.

Harrumph.

Steve said...

I always preferred choc ices myself...

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Ah! EK! Here's a comment devoted JUST TO YOU. MWAH! x

Lucien Modo said...

£3.00 for a dildo... Those can't be free-range, those will battery dildos that have never seen sun light.

Trubes said...

Merms: Apologies re the dramatico comment about spinal cyst, I had been trying to cheer myself up with a glass of wine or six but it had the opposite effect.Which just proves Booze and Blogging just don`t mix !
The "Godammed" cyst is treatable and not cancerous, so apologies for being such a bore.
Apolo`s also to Hitch for blaming
him xx
I feel such an arse.

Di.xx

The Hitch said...

Trubes
I have commited many sins, but giving somebody a cyst is amongst them
A pain in the arse maybe.
merms my mother has cats , she also has a boxes full of wild cat pelts(long story)
They love sleeping on ocelot.
No loyalty you see (+:
She also has two nice leopard pelts.

Anonymous said...

How did you find an ice lolly the same colour as my dick?

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Trubes - dont apologise, we are sorry to hear that you are "laid aside" through cystness.

The Hitch is sometimes a pain in the arse, but I'd rather have that than no hitch at all. Somehow the blogosphere would be a duller place without him.

Hitch, would you? Throw a kebab at someone in the street? It sounds like the sort of thing you might do.

billyjizzman said...

Let's face it, it's the best thing you can do with a kebab.

electro-kevin said...

It certainly would be a duller place without Hitch. I was talking to a kebab shop owner who said he was fed up with people coming back to him complaining that his kebabs had made them ill. He said,

"Day cumminta ma shop ... day had ten points (pints) inside 'em already - day frow up all oder da place ... den da cheeky bastards say it my kebab fault !"

You have to be in a certain condition to eat a donner - it's a 50/50 as to whether it stays down or not.

At least poor Trubes has a measure of what she's dealing with now. Love bomb her with emails.

I responded to you on my blog btw.

caligula said...

That tongue looks a little underutilised to me. Shame.

The Hitch said...

MERMS
I am far too mean to throw a kebab at a person.
I'd rather negotiate with a tramp or a drunk and sell it on and recoup some of my cash back.
Hey, gold hit $900, I think its going to double above that, plus a total break down of the monetary system.

Rob said...

Very funny -- I wish I could be a kid again.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

hullo rob and welcome to the humble abode. I assume you mean be a kid but appreciate stuff with an adult's mind - like being allowed in the ladies' changing room?

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

hullo rob and welcome to the humble abode. I assume you mean be a kid but appreciate stuff with an adult's mind - like being allowed in the ladies' changing room?

Trubes said...

Thanks for that Kevin but nobody has my e-mail address except you and Merms ! I have done a little self indulgent post about my back problem so everybody can pop over with words of cheer, if they so wish!

The Hitch said...

I have an uncanny habit of logging on to blogs on the 69th comment )+:
KISMET

gilbert the alien said...

hitch, I always seem to log on at no.9. I've never had much luck with women.

electro-kevin said...

71 comments on a post about a budget dildo.

Harrumph !