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Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Who, me?

The phone rang chez Mother Mermaid this morning. She picked it up, believing it to be yours truly, and said:
"I'm not in"
A male voice (unknown) replied: "Oh? Well, Mrs Mermaid, would you please tell me when you will be in so I can call you?"
"Oh - well I am in but I'm soon going to be out. I'm just not all there yet." (wittering)
"I see, Mrs Mermaid. I think I'll call back in two hours"
"Okay" gasped my mother, still trying to recover from the embarrassment.
*click*


PS - for those who have questioned my politeness when passing breath (dennis, hitch, tuscan and the rest of you lot), it runs in the family - The Proper Rules to Follow

27 comments:

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

before you ask, yes, she is English. 100 per cent.

melanie said...

Wait, so let's say it really had been you on the phone. Why would your mother answer the phone like that? Is that a joke, or her way of saying she doesn't want to talk to you?
Also, your mother doesn't use caller ID?

electro-kevin said...

I was out shopping with Mrs E-K today spending some vouchers. We were in the M&S lingerie section where I guffed silently but violently. The place was empty so I felt perfectly safe until a gaggle of shopgirls came by.

I was the only guy there and you can just tell man fart from lady fart. Women have a definite perfume about them. Eau de Toilet (sic)

Mrs E-K is usually louder than me.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Hey Melanie, Si - it was a joke - I had called her a few mins before and she though it was I returning the call. Twas not I. That should teach her a lesson

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

E-K - You can't fart in M&S! That's a sacrosanct haven. That's like ripping one off while passing an open coffin in a quiet chapel of rest. I am offended.

Gorilla Bananas said...

So the man who rang your mother was your accomplice? You've obviously got him wound round your little finger.

electro-kevin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
electro-kevin said...

:-))) re your last Mermins.

Have you not heard of the M&S Fart ?

A guff worthy of special attention due to its exceptional quality.

"This is not just a fart, this is a five-day matured, chicken vindaloo with garlic naan and eight bottles of Cobra fart."

fingers said...

You'd better tell Mrs M that opening the door and saying 'I'm not in' won't fool that bum-inspector when he calls on her...

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

GB - no! I dont know who he was. She just thought I was ringing her back because I forgot something (as if mermintrude would forget anything!). I have no idea who it was. Probably was one of the deacons at church or something. Ha ha ha ha ha (laughter at poor mother's expense)

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

EK - Love it! Not just any fart! Mrs EK deserves an award...

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Fingers - I am sure the bum inspector will get more than he bargained for. Lucien Modo - leave my female parental unit alone!

Lucien Modo said...

Dear Ms M,

I am conducting a survey, and wondered if were possible to see your bum? There is a small fee of 00.50p on offer.

Yours
Dr. L. Modo (posteriorologist)

Trubes said...

I recently had a phone call with "caller unknown" on the caller display. Assuming to be daughter number 2 who works for the Goverment,and like Merms and her Mama, we had just been chatting, so I thought she had forgotten to tell me something. Not sooo... oh dearie me nooo...
I picked up the phone and said, "Whadya want now you dozy trollop" ? This perceived humourism was met with a deafening silence, so, Mama Trubes, in jocular form said, " well, what do you want now droopy drawers" ? Loud voice interrupted my "titters" and said, Is that Mrs "Trubes" ? " Yes I spluttered", realizing my gaff. "I`s the surgery here and the Doctor would like you to make an appointment to see her regarding your recent tests.
I didn`t even try to explain...When in a hole, stop digging....
I Did explain this to my Doctor, eventually when I saw her, and she howled with laughter. Ironically the said Receptionist is a miserable old trout and has, wittingly, been rude, to me on several occasions.
We call her "Frosty Knickers". Maybe she`s got Droopy Drawers too !
Retribution perhaps ?

Old Tarf said...

Eskimo's have a good idea. They put the elderly out on the ice floes. Just a suggestion.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Old Tarf - what a bad idea. I'd lose most of my blogging companions.

Dennis said...

... I am drifting past ...

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

...watch out for Canadians with clubs

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Ps - Modo, if you're offering money, I'll happily flash my tail at you.

Lucien Modo said...

A postal order for fifty pence is on the table.

The Hitch said...

GUFF ANECDOTE
A couple of years ago I had taken mother Hitch for a drink I was wearing beige jeans sans undeperpants (a habit I have since dropped)went for a pee, guffed and followed through )+:
So had to walk crablike back to my mother , back to the wall,and tell her to order a taxi asap.
I then had to effect an escape (crablike) before anybody spotted either the smell or the brown stain on the back of my beige pants, then wait for our taxi, getting in enveloped in a cloud of my mothers perfume.
Thats Guinness for you.
I now never leave the house sans undies.

Lilith said...

Hitch, I hope you had that seen to...

Trubes said...

Hitch Darling: You do have such an endearing way with words !

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

AH! I have heard a wonderful Guff Story from my colleague James. I feel another post coming on in a couple of days. Hitch, you are a genius - I guess it's romantic tales like that that won the heart of the fair Eve...

Daisy said...

mermaid...my aunt's given name was ruth but everyone who knew her called her bobbie...we even called her aunt bob...if someone called and asked for ruth, she was aware she didn't know them and would tell them ruth died and she would appreciate them to stop calling...worked great for bill collectors!

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Daisy - what a great scam! I would love to try that. I think I'll call myself Dave.

The Hitch said...

it's romantic tales like that that won the heart of the fair Eve...,

Yeah
women love men who poop their pants in public, or rather those that can escape from a public house having pooped their pants and not be spotted.
As a woman who has puked into the gussett of her own pantyhose, no doubt you appreciate the skill involved in negotiating your way out of licensed premises with malodourus undies.