SIMON AMSTELL HAS BROKEN MY HEART



and I can never forgive him.
HOW was I to know he was a friend of Dorothy's? His clothes sense is too awful! And yet when I found out he liked to skip up the Yellow Brick Road I still scarcely believed it. Until I watched him flirt like a flirting thing with David wossname from Torchwood on Buzzcocks the other night.

For the Americans - Buzzcocks is NOT a euphemism. For the Australians among you, Euphemism means a word you use when you are actually referring to something else, mostly something naughty.

Anyway, so I was heartbroken. Leaving me with two options - stay with THE BOY and remain in a happy relationship, or have a sex change and stalk Simon until he agrees to go out with me.

"Um, Simon-with-an-ey, why don't you have a Schlong?"
"I got it surgically replaced with this. Clever, isn't it?"

"Um, Simon-with-an-ey... what are those?"
"Great, aren't they? I had them grafted on."
"You could have made them bigger"

"Simon-with-an-ey, why are there tampons in the bathroom?"
"Trendy art installation?"
"Please leave, now."

"I'm pregnant."
"Hullo, police?"


Speaking of trendy art installations and tampons, I once had a really bad period pain, so bad I could hardly move. I stayed home and painted what to me was a ball of exploding pain, and painted tampons to look like US missiles. Mum came round later to check if I was okay. She said: "What a lovely sunflower."

Here is the lesson to be learned. When your mum compliments your sunflower, let her.

Do not say: "Actually, that's an exploding ball of period pain. They are bullets"
"What are they made from? [peering intently... prodding...] "EW! you're disgusting. Don't let the church see this."