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Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Punching a dog - nassssty

"A man in Minnesota has been arrested for punching his neighbours' dog. He claimed the dog had been provoking him by barking at all hours of the night, and running around his lawn, tearing up the turf and digging holes."

The delights of the rural states and their tabloid headlines. How they must be stuck for real news. At first glance, this seems like a pretty mean man. Punching a dog? Then people read the rest, and start to feel some sympathy - I mean, no-one wants some mutt peeing on their herbacious borders and digging up granny.

My question is - how the heck did he PUNCH the dog? Put aside any squeamishness about cruelty to animals. As half-mermaid, I deplore cruelty to anything living. But if you want to hurt a dog, surely you would KICK it? Man = upright, two legs. Bit frustrated, some hound is hovering around the garden, sure, give it a good old nudge along with you boot. I can see that.

Or a small, brown-mouthed scottie is slavering all over your carpet while attempting to hump your leg. Again, a not-too gentle push with your foot (preferably in a shoe, or slipper, or football boot, or hiking boot with crampon-style studs), yes. This is normal.

It is NOT normal to PUNCH a dog. Either the man is incredibly short, or the dog is incredibly tall. Obviously the man was incredibly stupid. Did he get down on all fours to square up to it?

"Hey, mutt-face, get offa my lawn".
"talking to me?"
"yeah, you...."
"Whaddya want?"
"I want you to get your dopey tongue and stinky breath outa here or I'll.."
"What, what gringo, you do what? Piss on my post? I laugh in your face. I shit on your flowerbed. See? What you gonna do about that gringo?"
"Why you little - I oughta... get away from the tree now, I mean it... "
"Make me, white boy"
"Right, I'm calling you out."
"Bite me"
"No, YOU bite ME, you're the Dog?"
"Who you callin' dog, beaaatch?"
"That's it" - WHAM -

Joe slung him a right hook to the stomach, followed by an upper cut with his left to the chin. Battle ensued.

SUDDENLY....a sound of sirens rent the air....

"It's the fuzz..."
"Dirty pig-dogs... I live to crap on your lawn another day, gringo"


GEOFF! Ahh Ahh! said...

Perhaps the wannabe Mike Tyson is a midget. That would explain why he punched the dog.

Gorilla Bananas said...

It sounds like an ambush. The man was lying on the grass, playing dead, with a dog biscuit near his groin.

Simoney said...

Gorilla B: Near his groin? Now that does not sound good. Is that how gorillas are captured?

Geoff ahh! Aah!: maybe it was Mike Tyson???

John DeWolfe said...

It has been known for jockeys to punch their horses. Equally ridiculous.

Simoney said...

You're right - and jockeys are short. Maybe the guy was a disgruntled jockey. Perhaps he rode the Greyhound (he he he)

Ratty. said...

I've heard about cowboys punching cows so why not a dog. The only thing is that a dog is probably better at biting a lump out of your arse so maybe I'll try a cow first.

Are you really half mermaid? Which half? Do you have trouble with travel,shopping etc. I would love to meet a mermaid and maybe swim with her - times running out I'm afraid.

Ruthie said...

I'd just like to note that I currently live in Minnesota and I've never had to live outside a large city.

It's not all rural here, although much of it is. Minneapolis actually has a greater per capita murder rate than New York City.

That said, you'd have to be pretty stupid to punch a dog....

Biggles said...

Halo simoney, nice to here from a hooman bean even if yoo is infeerior to us cats (see blog erlier). I think I no wot yoo mean bout Monty loosing his balls its' on the telly orl the time at the moment, men hitting balls on a table and then the silly things keep loosing them in the holes and then a man with wite gloves has to go and find them for them. then wen they have got rid of there balls they do it orl again. dont' get it reely but i has never scene a cat playing with his balls like this and i do'nt have nun but i do have corky the cork to play with. once when i woz ver little i had a small operayshun and i woz a bit saw down near my willy for a cupple of days but i dont' think they did much?

Simoney said...

Hullo Biggles. Yes, Monty is going to be a little "saw" down there as well. but no, you're not missing out on anything.

Ruthie - I have no doubt minnesota is lovely. By nature Canadian, however, I have little room to mock other cultures.

Ratty - there is only one half that can be mermaid really, as it would be weird to have the head and upper body of a Cod, and the lower body and legs of a human.